I'm raging at myself because as a sort of "New Year's resolution, but not really" I told myself that this year I would try to "go with the flow" more. Basically I've always tried to facilitate my situation to get the best possible result or just over-analyze things on an interpersonal level and I wanted to try to stop doing it this year. Well, January isn't even over yet and I already broke my pseudo-promise to myself.
To give a bit of brief background, as some of you may recall I posted a thread a while back in the Life Discussion board about my last [long-term] relationship and how it went down in flames. Since then, I've dated like 5 or 6 girls but was never really thrilled with anything and got into some fucked up situations by accident and admittedly I hoped for a bit too much from certain people out of desperation when I knew I wouldn't get what I was expecting. Now that's all over and I've finally made peace with everything and know what I want. That being said I kind of got depressed when I realized that in a little less than two months I'll have been single for an entire year. The depression doesn't come from "not being with anyone" but instead my inability to find someone I actually found truly interesting/stimulating. Which brings me to the actual situation I'm raging at myself over:
A couple months back I reconnected with an old friend, who as it turns out is actually the ex-girlfriend of my longest running friends. He, however, is no longer my friend because of a series of events that led up to what would have been extreme physical violence and a lot of court appearances; maybe even jail time for him - but that's a story for another day. Since I've reconnected with this friend I've started getting some of my faith in humanity back because she's very intelligent and has some really cool friends and so it was nice to be able to actually have interesting conversations with people again and hang out with people without having to go to a multi-keg/bottle party where the drugs and alcohol flow like water down Niagra Falls. Through my travels I met a friend of hers who kind of took me by surprise before I even met her in person. I was accidentally joined in a phone conversation between my friend (Let's call her White Fang) and her friend (She can be Tornado). If you've ever read my stories you know I don't like naming names because I'm oddly paranoid that someone will see it.
Anyway, after that first time it was really nice so we started making it a regular thing and I'd talk to them [but mostly Tornado] until like 3 or 4 in the morning sometimes. After a few of those I got invited to go to the mall with them, admittedly not my favorite pastime, but it got me out of the house and I kind of hit it off talking to Tornado. As time went on, over the past month or so it's been very annoying, but I did the typical stuff - got the facebook add, the AIM screen name and eventually the number even though her phone had so many issues it almost wasn't worth having. At that point in time I still didn't really think anything more of it until we started having more in-depth conversations and I really started to appreciate her mindset and her attitude and I started to really like her. Whitefang is pretty much there for most of our meetings and interactions, so she picked it up quicker than I did and so she put me on the spot and asked me if I was interested in Tornado and much to my surprise, after I thought about it I found that I really did - a lot more than I thought I might have. This kind of pissed me off though because since I still didn't know her too well and now my feelings were made apparent to me, I feel like my whole "let things transpire naturally" idea for this year got shot down right away cause now it was out in the open even if it was only one of us. I let it go and things continued on like normal and she managed to get her fucking phone fixed and before I knew it I was talking to her - in some form - every day even if only for a while and it didn't hit me until last week:
I was out trolling the town with Whitefang and since she really wants us to get together, she's been subtly wingman'ing for me. So since we were out and she didn't live too far away she asked if I wanted to swing by and see if she wanted to come drive around with us. She's 18 and still underfoot from her parents so they wouldn't allow her to leave with us, but she got in the back and we got talking. After about a minute she casually mentioned that she hadn't talked to ol' Whitefang in a while and she'd been talking to me like every fucking day despite the fact that they're supposed to be best bro's. After that night I had plans to go to NYC [if any of you are FB friends with me you can see the pictures in "You can find me in NYC" - The only two people tagged in the album are the ones in the story (Blonde = Whitefang Black hair = Tornado] to visit the MoMA so I asked her if she wanted to come and she did. Since Whitefang is a cool guy, she kept herself lost for the better part of the outing which gave me a lot of face time with Tornado and we really hit it off and after an hour or so she was just outright flirting with me and admitted it, so needless to say I felt pretty fucking good. We spent about 8ish hours in the city and I'd say it felt like it was just the two of us for 6 of them and Whitefang even said at times she felt like a third wheel [but she wasn't upset about it at all] and when I would leave to check something out apparently things were said that made things look pretty far up for me. I even caught her looking at me so many times I lost count if I was admiring some art and looking up, just seeing her looking back. There was something really incredible about it.
Fast forward to today, I was texting her as usual and when we went to NYC I asked her if she'd want to do something like that again and she said she did. As such I made plans to go to Philly this coming weekend and basically do the same thing. Originally I had wanted Whitefang to come as a buffer just one more time to see if that really flirty vibe was still there, but apparently she can't go, but suggested I just ask Tornado if she wanted to go with me. I did and after that text I never heard anything back which hasn't happened before so now of course I'm over-analyzing the shit out of it even though I know it's useless and I'm just being a retard.
By virtue of the detail of this story alone you should see why I'm so upset with myself. I don't want to get my hopes up and all this shit because as the saying goes "If it's too good to be true, it probably is" etc. but at the same time I don't want to count my losses too soon. I really want this to work out because I haven't really felt this way about somebody since I first started hanging out with my ex three years ago before we were dating. And I'm trying so hard not to over-analyze everything but I feel like when you're in this type of situation - and I know you all have at one point or another - it's like you can't do anything but that. I'm also trying to chill my shit so that I don't come across as being desperate because as I mentioned, I'm really not - I just haven't wanted something work out as much as I have this. If it was just some piece of ass I wouldn't have even blinked, but I'm very relationship oriented and this seems like it could be a very good thing for both her and I, I just need to pick my moment and keep my shit on the down-low. Whitefang is rooting for me and she's been giving me shoves in the right direction along the way, but I don't know. I just wish I could stop thinking about it but it's like I know if I go to talk to anyone who's even remotely involved in knowing the situation, I would come across as selfish because it'd be all I wanted to talk about and I don't want to be like that. I just cannot get my fucking mind off of it and I kind of wish I could.