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Accelerated Evolution

Scholarship Essay--First Draft


mst3kjunkie

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here's the deal:

I have to write a 500 word essay for this scholarship.

I think my essay's good, but needs polishing up.

It is 411 words, and the topic is "Why do you deserve this scholarship"

Please Help.

I've always been driven. Challenging myself mentally was always something I attempted to do, even in grade school. Then I dreamed of becoming a veterinarian. It wasn't until later that I found out how much school was required. For a brief period I thought of becoming a Forensic Scientist, but all those views changed after a two-week course at a local college in the summer of 2003. I found I had a strong interest in engineering, as it used computers and technology, two things I was proficient with. I remained determined to challenge myself, taking top level courses in all subjects available. I realized that while math and science were the foundation of engineering, English and social studies skills were just as important, and stayed well rounded.

While I stayed determined to reach my goal of becoming an engineer, I also realized the value of taking a break. I became involved in high school, joining the math league team and making it in to the highest-level choir. My determination to do the best was used here as well, and my efforts throughout my sophomore and junior years did not go unrewarded; I became a top-scorer in math league, and a section leader in the choir.

My determination and drive have helped me through the college application process as well. I chose to apply to some of the top schools in the nation, knowing that I had the talents to succeed and the drive to be able to handle the high-caliber work. I may not have gotten in to a few of my top choices, but the school I will end up going to is nothing to be embarrassed about; I also know that with the attitude I put towards everything in life, I should have no problems in surviving my freshman year.

My positive attitude and drive has taken me far. From excelling in school to becoming a successful leader outside of my studies, I have remained determined to do my best in all I do. Rather than letting issues that arise disappoint and destroy me, I realize that the big picture in the future is more important than trivial matters in the present. I believe I should be awarded the BAE Systems scholarship because my drive and determination have taken me to great places, and the attitude I put forth into all I do will help me become a successful college student, and, in the future, a successful Software Engineer.

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Well... I don't exactly know how to put this, but it sounds the same as probably 90% of the scholarship applications they get. Appeal to them with a unique story. Tell of specific hardships which stood in your way, etc. Show specific obstacles that you overcame, etc. That's really the best I can offer you.

lol

It's funny, because you'll never be writing one of those. Unless a 1.0 GPA gets you into college somewhere. :smile:

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Dissection of events:

mst3kjunkie: I need help on my essay. *posts essay*

Wind: lol (intended meaning: lol what a loser, actually trying to make something of his life. He should be smoking weed.)

SD: It's funny, because you'll never be writing one of those. Unless a 1.0 GPA gets you into college somewhere. :smile: (intended meaning: from what I've seen you post you get shit grades, and now you're attempting to make fun of someone who actually gets GOOD ones and has prospects of getting a scholarship)

Wind: I have a 2.85 and yeah fuck you dipshit. (intended meaning: I'm not as stupid as you think I am, but I'm still an asshole. Only now I'm getting mad because you responded to my moronic comment)

You then refuse to tell me why you "lol'd", which I guess means that I was right.

SCIENTIFIC CONCLUSION AS REACHED BY PHYSICISTS, LOGICIANS, and and INDETERMINATE AMOUNT OF MONKEYS at Harvard University: Wind is an asshole.

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Yeah I mean, I only run the message board you use, created it, moderate it, my lack of intelligence clearly shows through that alone.

Not to mention I am skilled in Music Theory beyond your limited imagination, easily the hardest class I've ever taken.

I'm highly skilled with computers, hardware and software. Taking two (one of them AP) Computing classes next year aswell.

I'm not a dumb person by any means, as is shown in posts that I actually care about... Although you are right I am an asshole, but not to everyone. Just people I don't like, and these are the people that don't get to see an interesting, intelligent, and sensitive side that I have.

Although some people on this board, that I reguarly talk to on AIM do, sorry that you've been left out.

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ok, retooled it.

here's what I"m probably sending in to the scholarship:

It seems I’ve always been driven. Challenging myself mentally is something I’ve done since grade school. At first, I dreamed of being a veterinarian. Having a love for dogs was not enough to hold my interest, though.

For a brief period I thought of being a Forensic scientist—it was all the rage in television programming. Then, in the summer of 2003, I took an introductory engineering class offered by a local community college. I was intrigued. I had already loved math and science, computers and technology. Engineering seemed to be the perfect match for me. Still, I realized the importance of being well rounded, so I didn’t ignore the areas of English or Social studies, either. I continued to challenge myself in all areas, taking the highest level courses available. I also enjoyed being in the concert choir and doing extra-curricular activities after school.

This year, I challenged myself to become a leader. I became the top-scoring senior in math league and section leader in choir. When I approached the challenge of selecting a college, I applied to five that had outstanding reputations in engineering—I was awarded admission to three. My positive attitude and drive has brought me to the place I am today. From excelling in school to becoming a successful leader outside of my studies, I have remained determined to do my best in all I do. I look to the future and realize the disappointments of today may lead to the successes of tomorrow.

I believe I should be awarded the BAE scholarship because I know it will be used to better my future—not only while in college, but also in funding the success of a future software engineer.

also: SD--leave wind alone.

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Just people I don't like, and these are the people that don't get to see an interesting, intelligent, and sensitive side that I have.

Well, I don't like you either (in fact, I don't dislike anyone on this board as much as I dislike you) and honestly couldn't care less about your interesting, intelligent, and sensitive side when you're a jerk to my buddy mst3k.

Just so the record's straight. But how interesting would life be without conflict? Not very! :ohmy:

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I mean it is kind of stupid the college admissions monolith and having to write essays about why you are awesome and still seem modest and humble but still awesome etc. I "lol intelligent" at a lot of irl friends and I don't mean it like they're stupid I mean like ha ha, you just spent eight hours studying for a non required test on OCEAN SCIENCE.

MST SORRY XD A FEW POINTS

- i don't really understand "funding the success of a future software engineer". maybe rework that phrase

- "attitude and drive has brought" => "attitude and drive have brought"

- high score on math test ?= leadership?? Maybe add stuff about club involvement and organization

- a nice addition would be hardships as a child if you had them XD

- extracurricular involvements are coming through clearly but passion for engineering not so much - mostly you say "Well I love math and science so..." I would suggest using a stronger word than "intrigue" and maybe going all mysticist, "engineering seduced me as no woman had" XDD

- another nice addition: things you did during veterinarian phase. e.g. "When I wanted to be an astronaut, I would put up the flying-through-space screensaver and stare at it for hours." < I DID THAT of course yours will not be idiotic and will prove the "I am Awesome" thesis

All in all it is a great essay and I am convinced that you are an admirable person. xD I am sure if you don't win the judges will at least take a second glance

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There were some things I noticed, notably your punctuation and contractions. I'm assuming this' a formal piece of writing -- seeing as its a submission for a scholarship -- as such, a formal piece of writing never uses contractions; avoid em at all costs. Other than that...I just fixed the wording of some sentences and changed some of the punctuations...its hopefully how you want it -- if not...man, sorry -- its the best I could do...

It seems as though I have always been driven towards doing my best; challenging myself mentally is something I have done since grade school. At first, I had dreamt of being a veterinarian; however, having a love for dogs was not enough to hold my interest to seek out this dream.

For a brief period of time I had also thought of becoming a forensic scientist, as it was “all the rage” in television programming. In the summer of 2003, I took an introductory engineering class offered by a local community college; to say the least, I was intrigued. I already had a love for math, the sciences, computers and technology. Logically, engineering seemed to be the perfect match for me. Continuously I have challenge myself in all areas, taking the highest level courses available. However, I realized, early on, that a good engineer is one that is well rounded; one that incorporates not only math and the sciences, but is also strong in English and Social Studies.

Extracurricular activities help a student to not only become their best but in turn make them an overall well rounded person. As such, I participated in many extracurricular activities after school; notably, the concert choir. The concert choir was a highlight of my extracurricular activities because I enjoyed being in it very much.

One of my main self-challenges this year was to push myself to the next level; become a leader. I believe I met these goals wholeheartedly by becoming not only the top-scoring senior in math league but also becoming a section leader in choir. When it came time to selecting a college I applied to five that had outstanding reputations in engineering; I was awarded admission to three. My positive attitude and drive towards success has brought me to the place I am today. I have always been determined to do my best in all that I do, from excelling in school to becoming a successful leader outside of my studies. Overtime I have come to the realization that the disappointments of today may lead to the successes of tomorrow.

I believe that I should be awarded the BAE Scholarship because I know it will be used to better my future not only in college, but also in funding the success of a future software engineer.

Not sure if thats how you want it, but thats how I'd do it...I might be off with somethings -- [like saying extracurricular activies -- not sure how many you were part of and such] -- btw, its not 386 words or so.

- extracurricular involvements are coming through clearly but passion for engineering not so much - mostly you say "Well I love math and science so..." I would suggest using a stronger word than "intrigue" and maybe going all mysticist, "engineering seduced me as no woman had" XDD

hahaha...amy, you rule beyond words.

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final draft: 481 words

It seems I’ve always been driven. Challenging myself mentally is something I’ve done since grade school. At first, I dreamed of being a veterinarian. Having a love for dogs was not enough to hold my interest, though.

For a brief period I thought of being a Forensic scientist—it was all the rage in television programming. Then, in the summer of 2003, I took an introductory engineering class offered by a local community college. I was intrigued. I already loved math, science, computers, and technology; engineering seemed to be the perfect match for me. Still, I realized the importance of being well rounded, so I didn’t ignore the areas of English or Social studies, either. I continued to challenge myself in all areas, taking the highest level courses available. I also enjoyed being in the concert choir and doing extra-curricular activities after school.

This year, I challenged myself to become a leader, becoming the top-scoring senior in math league and section leader in choir. When it came time to select a college, I applied to five that had outstanding reputations in engineering; I was awarded admission to three. My positive attitude and drive have brought me to the place I am today. Determined to do my best in all that I do, I have excelled in school and become a successful leader outside of my studies.

I believe I should be awarded the BAE scholarship because I know it will be used to better my future—not only while in college, but also in aiding the success of a future software engineer.

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Well, as I said earlier you left out things like obstacles that you overcame, etc. and it still looks like most of the other stuff they probably get. Remember, most of the others writing this essay are probably top students too.

If that really is your final essay, then good luck and I hope you get it. But I think you should try and brainstorm ways to differentiate it from all the other essays they get.

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