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I wrote a letter to Alan Rickman

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Tonight a few friends and I worked together to write a letter expressing our wishes as to Alan Rickman's next career move. Here it is in its complete form.

Dear Mr. Alan Rickman,

My name is Danton J. William Domike (the J. Stands for Jay) and I represent a recently created production company, Sci-Fi Life and Death Productions. My associates (the undersigned) and I are fans of your various works (Dogma, Galaxy Quest, and Die Hard especially).

We have an idea for a movie that is entirely too badass, too awesome, and too epic for you to turn down. The last movie we saw you in was the excellently made Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, in which you unjustly did not receive enough lines. The scene in particular where Harry and Ron are talking/gossiping about the “dance”, is, in my opinion, the most masterfully crafted part of the movie. Simply the fact that you smack the three of them for being unruly and obnoxious is enough to secure it in the annals of cult film history forever. This was clearly a milestone in cinema, and shot you in the stratosphere of badassness.

After my associates and I viewed this film, we went to Dick's (a local independent fast food establishment) and each discussed how this scene was really, really badass. After a couple of orders of fries, we brainstormed an idea for a movie. The plot is as follows. You go around and beat people up. Hence the name of the movie, “Alan Rickman Goes Around and Beats People Up: The Movie.” Our tentative subtitle is "Cold Stone Fists for a Stone Cold Pimp."

This will be the independent cult cinema masterpiece. It will probably be filmed digitally, and edited using Apple’s Final Cut Pro. I have included concept and storyboard art, and I assure that this film is almost guarantied to become a film of cult status on and off the internet. Plus, you will be even more awesome.

Unfortunately, our company, Sci-Fi Life and Death Productions, has no real financial backing, so we would depend on you to sign on as a producer and provide the actual budget. And, of course, what you do best, acting. Think of all the great actors who have directed, produced, and starred in their own films! Okay, so I can't actually think of any offhand. Which would make this film even more revolutionary. In fact, we wouldn't really need a cast besides your honorable self, since we could simply use, um, "willing" extras to be the people that you beat up.

We at Sci-Fi Life and Death Productions believe this will be a great project to further your career, and we hope to work with you in the future

Danton "Doom on the Mic" Domike

Robin "Don't Touch Me There" Flowers (that's me!)

Mathias "By Grabthar's Hammer" Morgan

Galen "Cocaine Is Illegal" Deal

Thoughts? Criticisms? We are going to mail it to him in a few days.

EDIT: My friend made us a logo to give us an air of respectability.


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  • 2 weeks later...

If I send you a naked picture, can you slip it in the letter and ask him to sign my right boob? Also, if this gets me access to the pre-screening, win!

What is your logo? D: Some gold bars dangling on a string above some moss??

We have a new logo but our logo producer's on break and I have no idea where the logo is.

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