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I am so fucking pissed....


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2 weeks ago, mom lost her dog. it was a family dog and was about 12 yrs old. but our story doesn't start there... when I was 12, mom's brother died from what was ruled "accidental suicide" [we suspect the wife], thus kick starting her alcoholism... bad enough seeing mom drunk all the time but a few years later, she began telling me on a near everyday basis that I wasn't her daughter and how much better her life would be if she didn't have me or my brothers. so by the time I got my job at the convenience store, she began coming into the store drunk wanting me to sell her alcohol. of course, when I'd tell her "no", she would begin verbally abusing me until I'd call dad to come pick her up. I tried to kill myself when I was 17 and she had the gall to ask me if she treated me so badly that I'd want to kill myself while dad was on the phone with the hospital. a week or so after she wanted to go buy a beer [she was already drunk] and I told her no and took away her keys. I told her to go back into the house and to "stop feeling sorry for yourself and be an actual mother to your three sons. because I'm done with it"

finally, it came time for me to go to college in Colorado [i never planned to move back]. I didn't even bother applying in texas bcs I couldn't stand to be near her. The christmas after I left, my dad got me plane tickets to come home. my mom was supposed to pick me up at the airport. I call and asked dad if he was on his way. "your mom said she was going to pick you up"...called mom "I told Retha [bible thumper] to get you" .....called Retha, "Linda's on her way to pick you up" called Linda, "I just left, I'll be there in about an hour" then everyone wondered why I was so upset...well. the day before I was supposed to leave, mom wrecked the car [the third car she totalled] and got a DWI and spent the nite in jail. she called me when she got out [i was already back in CO] "oh Rita I'm so sorry. you were so right. this stuff is going to ruin my life." I figured she was just saying it but turned out she wnet 4 years to AA classes and got therapy.

Unlike my brother, who moved away for similar reasons, I supported her as much as I could. calling her on the anniversary she gave up drinking called on holidays and every weekend. I finally felt it was safe to come home because things had changed. I even told them brian and I would get married up there. So last november, we moved back to austin. got married. I even took out a loan to hel dad with some of the debt they got into bcs of my college. Stayed with my parents til we found a new apartment. but barely a month being there, she starts drinking again. the first few times, I saw the familiar signs but took her word for it that she was a little out of it bcs of her medication. but a few times after it, I noticed more and more signs and finally I smelled it on her. I asked her if she has been drinking and she finally admitted to it and that she lied all those other times. Even Brian who had never even seen her drunk before noticed something was up. So I told her that if she ever touched the stuff again, I'd leave and never come back. She promised she wouldn't.

then came the reasons for the "slip". she was depressed about how much debt they had bcs of my wedding and college [after the money I gave dad was used to cover the wedding costs and a good portion of the other debt and after I handed her $200 for a creditcard payment of hers but decided to go to bingo instead. She was unhappy for the way my brothers act ["mom I want this I want that"]. and that she would be happier if it just went away.

Which brings us to last week. Mom went to my grandmother's house [the physically abusive version of my mother] with the dog and the dog ran away while they were at bingo. I told her that we're doing everything we can to find him and to not get depressed and start drinking. She said she wouldn't. So a cpl of days pass and the dog isn't found. she calls me crying. I tell her to come over and see the new chinchilla. that should cheer her up a bit. She shows up to my apartment drunker than hell and starts telling me not to be mad. So I reminded her what she promised and what I'd do if she broke that promise. I call dad to come pick her up and she gets pissed off saying that it's my fault dad's going to divorce her now. it's my fault my brothers won't grow up with a mom. So she decide to try to hoof it home [i took away her keys] all 35 miles. I threatened to call the police before I actually called them. then it was my fault that she was going to jail. The cop came and asked if there was any assault [there was but neither of us admitted it. I shoved her to the ground when she tried ripping my pocket epen to get her keys and told her "fuck off, bitch"] and stayed the few minutes longer it took for my dad to arrive. I told dad to get her help and not to call me about it bcs I'm not here anymore.

that was the last time I talked to her until she called me drunk today asking why I didn't call her for mother's day and drawing the conclusion that I'm not her daughter anymore. So I finally told her, "No I'm not." and hung up. Then I call the bible thumper [from earlier in the essay] bcs she lived closest to go make sure mom didn't do anything stupid.

Retha calls back and says "she's drunk alright. Why didn't you call her for mother's day?"

me-"bcs she felt I wasn't worth more than a beer."

her-"Well you shouldn't be this way. and you'll have to suffer the consequences. the bible says.--"

me-"I don't want a lecture Retha and I don't care what the bible says. I was there before and have suffered the consequences."

I hang up. she calls back.

her-"One thing I don't tolerate is disrespect. I did nothing to deserve being hung up on. There is no reason for you to act this way"

me-"I don't need you telling me how I should and should not act. You tell me I'd have to suffer the consequences? I did. I didn't plan to come back but I did to help patch things up. and where does it get me? back to the same situation there was when I left."

her-"You shouldn't have expected anything in return"

me-"I didn't! I just wanted her to stop drinking"

her-"well you need to be here to patch this family back up."

me-"They'll have to do it without me. I put forth my effort and now I'm done."

her-"Well it didn't help that you called her that name [referring to "fuck off, bitch"]. You wouldn't even give strangers or bums that type of attitude."

me-"I won't apologize for it. I'm betting most strangers and bums wouldn't treat their own kids like that."

her-"well God says honor your parents"

me-"I don't recognise her as my mom. I don't care what you or God thinks about it either. I'm sure her wouldn't want mothers treating their children this way. If God wants to send me to hell for it, let him. it's not your concern."

her-"look, you both need psychological help..."

me-"I don't need help. "

her- "yes you do. you both do."

silence

me-"are you done yet?"

her-"well if you want to end the call then yeah I'm done."

Retha's only pissed me off to the point of hanging up on her once before whe she told me it was such a sin to have brian living with me before we were married. When I told her I don't believe everything the bible says, she flipped out.

Then my brother [the one that didn't try to patch things up] calls me back after I told him to go to mom's house and check on her. I told him to go to mom bcs he lectured me how I shouldn't act this way bcs she is still my mother. "hippocrite" kept coming to mind.

His call:

him-"Are you going to mom's house"

me-"no"

him-"why do I have to go if you're not?"

me-"bcs you're the one who said I shouldn't be this way and that she's still our mom. unlike you, I've tried to patch up this relationship again. if you're so worried about her, it's your turn."

ok. I'm done ranting. maybe

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goddamn that sucks. ALL OF IT (....except the part where you met Brain)

i don't think i have any decent advice this time. when people fuck up their lives and try to drag me down with them i usually just drop em like a bad habit, but when it's your mom....

. . .

well, it sounds like you've never had a good relationship so it's not like you're really "patching" anything up by making good with her, but....BUT....i dunno. as rad as it would be to help her fix her problem, the reality is that some things aren't worth the effort it takes to accomplish them

i could blabber out some more "helpful" rhetoric but it boils down to whether you think you'll be able to reform her or if she'll continue to fuck with YOUR life by not changing her ways

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my parents are both like that. My dad comes from an uber abusive home, severe alchoholism runs in there family, they usually die around 40 years old from liver failure.

My mom is just a drunk through and through, i always have to listen to her whining about how no one understands her and how she should just shoot herself with our 44.

my experience is to just say fuck them. I know it sounds cold-hearted, But the best thing to do is to get as far away from them as possible, including bible bitch. Don't talk to them, dont talk about them. just forget that they were ever there, it sounds like your mom hasn't done you any favors anyway.

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If I were you, I would like to think that I would be stupid and idealisitc enough try again, but in all honesty I don't know if I would. The thing is, it would be stupid to go back. There is always hope, but sometimes you just have to accept reality. The reality is that your family is fucked up. Its possible that leaving her alone is your best option, and that it will work out alright fo her. The problem is if you still feel something about her, and if that won't let you quit. If that's the case, you may need to return and try to help. If its not, then maybe you should just cut all connections to them and leave. Give them a number to call in case something truly important happens, but be ready to change that number at any moment, or simply call once or twice a year for news. You may be best of seperating yourself from your family, at least for a few years, maybe for more

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Wow. That sucks. A lot.

I don't even know what to say. I know I'd give up on it at that point; but I don't know, I mean, that seems like the wrong thing to do, but at the same time right. There's things to be gained from going both ways, I suppose, but it seems like the healthiest thing is to leave. If anyone gets mad at you, point out what you pointed out to us.

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well, I've decided that I'm done with the whole thing. I've walked away before so I can do it again. it just sucks y'know....

It definitely sucks. The upshot in all of this is that you at least have a loving supportive husband, and you do not have your mother's drinking problem. I'm no bible-thumper, but I am religious. You are supposed to honor your mother and father, but what bible thumper didn't say was that they're supposed to respect you, too. One of the gospel readings from church (a LONG while ago) talked about familial roles. How a wife is supposed to be obedient to her husband, a husband faithful to his wife, children obedient to their parents, parents respectful of their children.

It goes on and on, and I'm pretty thoroughly convinced that religious stuff will only piss you off further thanks to your bible-thumping buddy. I am no priest or religious figure, but I can say with some certainty that you did all God expected you to do. The purely christian/catholic thing to do would be to go back and help your family become whole again.

However, that view is altruistic and naive. The fact is, there's nothing to "patch up". If we were to use a hole in the wall as an analogy for a familial dispute, then you going back to "patch things up" would be like trying to use wall putty to patch a hole from a bulldozer driving through your house, and then plowing through the opposite wall. Most walls can't put up with that kind of abuse, and simply collapse, no matter how much putty you try to use.

Further, the only foreseeable responsibility you have anymore is to pay off the debts from your wedding and college. That being said, I'm sure you and your father have some kind of arrangement worked out, and that sort of thing isn't any of my business. My point is, now that you're an independent woman, you're starting (or have) your own life, and you're starting your own family. You made it perfectly clear that if your mother drank again, you would leave. That was the only condition, and she violated it. Hence, you are well within your rights and abilities to leave, and you followed through. Empty threats don't work on drunks.

As a point of reference, my sister dated an alcoholic for 10 years. She told him that if he drank again, she would dump him. He did, so she followed through. He tried to kill her, and might've succeeded if she didn't have a level head on her shoulders. Then came the violations of the peace order and all of that crap. Turns out he has throat cancer now, and considering he's an alcoholic, probably doesn't have the money or insurance to fight it for very long.

So, if you're a religious person, you can see that God takes care of those who take care of themselves. I think you did the right thing distancing yourself; there is no reason why you have to take that abuse anymore. You moved away, and you have a good man watching over you, and as long as you keep your level head, I think you'll be just fine.

As for your mother, I can only hope she'll change her ways for good. I do not wish any ill on someone else's mother, no matter how much they may seem to deserve it. I hope at some point in the future you all can be a family again. For now, the best thing you can do is live your life, and deal with the problems where you're living now, and not worry about the problems your mother may be causing for the rest of the family. I know it sounds cold, but something tells me that's what you're doing anyway.

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I'm no bible-thumper, but I am religious. You are supposed to honor your mother and father, but what bible thumper didn't say was that they're supposed to respect you, too. One of the gospel readings from church (a LONG while ago) talked about familial roles. How a wife is supposed to be obedient to her husband, a husband faithful to his wife, children obedient to their parents, parents respectful of their children.

It goes on and on, and I'm pretty thoroughly convinced that religious stuff will only piss you off further thanks to your bible-thumping buddy. I am no priest or religious figure, but I can say with some certainty that you did all God expected you to do.

So, if you're a religious person, you can see that God takes care of those who take care of themselves.

now see? if my aunt reasoned like that, I wouldn't have gotten so pissed off. I am religious [christian] but not in the sense most people think [won't say anymore on that since the last time i did it started a huge debate where feeling were hurt]

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You did what I would have suggested, and what many other people already did.

You shouldn't let that stuff hurt you. We weave our own webs and we can easily become caught in them. Spiders can walk along and off their webs though, so be the spider, not the fly.

Shadow's analogy with the hole in the wall about sums it up. You have other walls you've built up recently, and it is best to focus on those instead, instead of a wall with a big fucking hole in it. >.<

Uh yeah... focus on your walls... and draw flowers on them and such.

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You did what I would have suggested, and what many other people already did.

You shouldn't let that stuff hurt you. We weave our own webs and we can easily become caught in them. Spiders can walk along and off their webs though, so be the spider, not the fly.

Shadow's analogy with the hole in the wall about sums it up. You have other walls you've built up recently, and it is best to focus on those instead, instead of a wall with a big fucking hole in it. >.<

Uh yeah... focus on your walls... and draw flowers on them and such.

I wonder if in the future wars will be fought with metaphors.

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I wonder if in the future wars will be fought with metaphors.

Fuck the bitch don't talk to her ever again, get caller ID and make sure you don't have to deal with it.

With that kind of response, I'm kind of doubting it *LOL* (not to pick on you DRL)

And FC, thanks for complimenting my metaphor, although it seems you got lost in it -_-;

As far as the wall analogy is concerned, remember that if you're going to build walls, don't forget to put a door in there...with a peep hole. Building up walls is tantamount to shutting everyone out, which I'm pretty sure is something that Ewe-two isn't doing. Perhaps you should go with the old addage, "where god closes a door, he opens a window." I feel that Ewe-two is "closing the door" on her mother, but I'm pretty sure she'll keep an "open window" for her, too.

I have no doubt that even though you're furious with your mother, and are basically cutting her off (with good cause), deep down, you still love her out of filial piety or something along those lines. In fact, it may be out of filial piety that you left; you have to give your mother tough love and stick to your word, or she'll never learn to ditch the drink for good.

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As rude as Retha said it, she's right in that you need to seek professional help. You don't have to include your mom in talking to a counsellor but it'll help you get over it. So it won't hurt you in the long run. Considering what you went through and all the emotional and verbal abuse you took, professional help is probably the best action to take now.

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