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Accelerated Evolution

Important Things I Learned From Anime


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Important Things I Learned From Anime

--Part the First--

1. GAY SELLS.

2. Everyone on Earth speaks Japanese, except for Americans, who speak ENGLISH. Chinese speak Japanese. Russians speak Japanese. Even the English speak Japanese. But Americans? They speak ENGLISH. God only knows how the English communicate with ENGLISH speakers.

3. Catholic schools are all centered around a statue of Maria-sama, the patron saint of lesbians. Such schools are dedicated to the worship of this deity, and exploring the many subtle and sacred ways of lesbian love.

4. If you are a female, once you are married it becomes physically impossible to do anything other than, well, be a wife. It doesn't matter what you were doing before your marriage: if you were a skilled detective, it becomes impossible to continue; if you were an olympic athlete, it becomes impossible to continue; even if you were a famous actress, it becomes impossible to continue. This principle is particularly well illustrated in the series Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne.

5. If a female's underwear is ever seen anywhere in public, she is thereafter unable to marry. Ever. No one is certain as to why.

6. COLONEL SANDERS. HE IS EVERYWHERE. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THE CHICKEN MAN.

7. Light striking a picture frame at the wrong angle is the leading cause of parental death. (If someone's face in a photograph is obscured by a band of light reflecting off the picture, you can rest assured they are dead. In rare cases, they are not actually dead, but they are still Absent in a most profound manner.) (jason_stiletto)

8. The law of gravity does not apply to hair. (gerbilsage)

9. Or boobs, either. (gullyfoyle)

10. If you can't see the eyes through the glasses, be on your guard. This one's dangerous.

11. If they never seem to stop smiling, be on your guard. No, screw it, just run. Run as fast as you can, and hope it's not too late.

12. If you have reached the age of eighteen and not yet manifested any mysterious powers or had any unexplained phenomena occur around you, sorry, but you're doomed to the life of an NPC for the rest of your existance. (silveradept) Unless, of course, you happen to become a Grizzled Old Sage/Veteran, in which case you get to bestow your years of wisdom and skill upon the young whippersnappers. (syrg)

13. If you're older than 18, you're a dried-up has-been, and if you're a woman, you're also an old hag.

14. Pedophilic tendencies are perfectly normal and to be expected, especially from your own father.

SUGGESTIONS WELCOME YOU LOVE IT OKAY GO

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I learned that even though Tokyo has serious space and housing problems, everyone lives in a two story house with a gate.

I learned that any friends you've had since childhood are both a) the opposite gender as you and b) have a crush on you.

Oh yeah, and if someone seems ultra cheery and bright, run away from them because they're really insane.

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I learned that any friends you've had since childhood are both a) the opposite gender as you and b) have a crush on you.

Oh, they don't have to be the opposite gender. They do have a crush on you, though. Always. xD

Oh yeah, and if someone seems ultra cheery and bright, run away from them because they're really insane.

DEF. TRUE

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I've learned that breasts can move on their own (Golden Boy)

I've learned that giant robots can come put of your head after getting hit by both a vespa and a bass gitaur (if i have to say the name of this anime, you fail)

I've learned that homosexauls are always on the cutting edge of EVERYTHING.

I've learned that dialing for take-out can score you a girlfriend (Ah! Megami-sama)

I've learned that small metal balls can contain unusually large amounts of steam. (Steamboy)

More to come later...

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I've learned that rocket-propelled weapons do, in fact, make noise in space.

I've learned that alien women tend to be attracted to men who display absolutely no interest in them, let alone the opposite sex.

I've learned that the average Japanese male has a large, black, 20-inch penis. So much for the stereotype.

I've learned that Tokyo U is an absolute sonuvabitch to get into.

I've learned that the ultimate defense against hulking bipedal robots is another hulking bipedal robot, or failing that, a really big spear.

I've learned that ninjas are serious fucking business. Not that I needed anime to learn that.

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I've learned that you can change your entire body structure and size in a matter of milliseconds. (Pretty much every fucking anime)

I've learned that no matter how many hits your mecha takes, it will be just fine. (Gundam)

I've learned that Vespa's can magically drive themselves (FLCL's ending)

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I learned that monsters only destroy japan.

That's not actually true. Japan just has a stangle-hold on media, so you only hear about the devastation in Japan. If you read more independent non-profit news sources, you'd of heard of the the most recent attacks in Peru, by the giant crabs of the underwater city of Deltic. Or how about when NowThen was almost crushed by the aliens of quadrant 12?

Not to mention Tokyo's economy and efficiency is amazing! They can manage to rebuild their entire city over in a single day, heck, sometimes several times a day.

I've learned that people contain incredible amounts of blood just beneath their skin. The slightest prick could cause the pressure within from containing so much blood to burst out by the gallons. In fact, people have huuuge reserves just for the production of tears.

There are no high jump contests, because everyone in the world who even slightly tries to jump reaches roughly two stories.

Everyone in Japan is an orphan. EVERYONE. Or their parents are out of the country for business, so they are essentially dead.

Apparently at least 1/5 of people have the highest scores on the SAT and in their class.

Apparently rape kind of sucks at first, but everyone loves it by the end. In fact, being violently brutalized and raped is such a turn on for most people that it turns said people into mindless sex slaves.

Old people are not only 1/5 the size of younger people, but they are also more powerful than them in almost every way. Vastly so.

Christianity is a poppy cute religion not to be taken seriously at all. Anime didn't teach me this, but it sure did drive the point home.

scientifically advanced metals are in ridiculous abundance, thus explaining how various countries could wage war with hundreds of giant mechs with nary a mention of financial ails from such productions.

No matter how much damage someone takes, as long as the beating was by a friend of the individual or occurred in a light hearted situation, a large bandage placed upon the head can heal any wound instantaneously.

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I learned that molesting woman will get your ass beaten, but never arrested.

I learned that schoolgirl outfits should be implimented in america. For it cuts down on the sexual tension in classrooms.

I learned that no matter how small the group of people, on girl has to have unnaturally sized breasts, one has to have a flat chest, and one girl has to be just inbetween so they can make jokes on both of them.

Christianity is a poppy cute religion not to be taken seriously at all. Anime didn't teach me this, but it sure did drive the point home.

100% ture

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  • 4 weeks later...

7. Light striking a picture frame at the wrong angle is the leading cause of parental death. (If someone's face in a photograph is obscured by a band of light reflecting off the picture, you can rest assured they are dead. In rare cases, they are not actually dead, but they are still Absent in a most profound manner.) (jason_stiletto)

8. The law of gravity does not apply to hair. (gerbilsage)

9. Or boobs, either. (gullyfoyle)

10. If you can't see the eyes through the glasses, be on your guard. This one's dangerous.

11. If they never seem to stop smiling, be on your guard. No, screw it, just run. Run as fast as you can, and hope it's not too late.

12. If you have reached the age of eighteen and not yet manifested any mysterious powers or had any unexplained phenomena occur around you, sorry, but you're doomed to the life of an NPC for the rest of your existance. (silveradept) Unless, of course, you happen to become a Grizzled Old Sage/Veteran, in which case you get to bestow your years of wisdom and skill upon the young whippersnappers. (syrg)

13. If you're older than 18, you're a dried-up has-been, and if you're a woman, you're also an old hag.

14. Pedophilic tendencies are perfectly normal and to be expected, especially from your own father.

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