My Early Prose Offering

[ROCKSTEADY]

this is one I finished a litle while ago, theres probably alot of mistakes considering i've only proofed it once. It's pretty cheesy too, I was analyzing The Great Gatsby and watching NGE around the time i thought this one up.

Here it is, cheese and all.

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The sound of air was riotous. Air isn’t normally loud, but at 65mph, it’s deafening. Despite the combined volume of the engine and the wind, I left the windows down, it was simply too hot to roll them up. I looked at the passing scenery through my passenger side window, fields stretching into eternity; they were colored a dull amber hue, as if they were once golden but have since faded like the antiquity of peace. Charley tilted his head towards me, aviators shining in the intense sunlight, his eyes still fastened on the road, taught as a kite string in gale force winds.

“Man, good thing we’re getting out of Cincy. I don’t want stick too around there. I bet that whole city’s slag by tomorrow, good riddance” Charley yelled over the wind. The radio was playing loudly, yet it was barely audible. You could see heat waves coming off the dashboard as if it were slowly boiling. I raised my head off my hand and looked ahead, through the waves of heat to the never ending strip of highway. “I suppose, but where are we going?” Charley tilted his head again, “John’s place! Isn’t that where we agreed?” There was a brief silence until I replied, “But where are we really going?” Charley let out a sigh, “West, man, West.”

I let out a sigh of frustration and resumed my original position by the window. I remember traveling through St. Louis and Kansas City, and seeing nothing but toppled buildings, crying mothers holding their children, and grown men with their heads in their hands. The scenery was full of despair, I longed for some other view. The contrast of the destruction and the clear blue sky, made the city seem a little less depressing. No matter how beautiful that sky was, it still couldn’t drown out the sounds of sirens and gunshots still echoing in my ears.

I yawned and stretched my arms out in front of me, “Christ,” I said yawning, “St Louis got messed up.” Charley let out a short empty chuckle “Yeah, man. That’s why we have to get to John’s.” Charley reached into his pocket and retrieved a half burnt cherry Blackstone. He put the plastic tip in his mouth and began to pat around the pockets of his jeans, all while staring blankly at the forward horizon. He fished out a white bic and gave it 4 quick flicks, but no flame. He quickly took his eyes off the road, if only to inspect his lighter into the sun burnt scenery. He gave it 4 more tries before fixing his eyes on the road again and tossing the defective lighter. “Ooh got uh aight?” he asked. I reached into the pocket of my jeans, “yeah.”

I pulled out the pearlescent Zippo from my pocket. It gleams in the hot Kansas afternoon; I can feel the sun slowly warming it. I remembered when Walter gave me that lighter. He was one of my best friends, all of us were best friends, Charley, John, Walter, and I. It’s strange how fast things change.

I sparked the lighter in front of Charley’s face with my left hand, still staring out the side window. Even though I couldn’t see, I instinctively new that he reached his head over to light the small cigar, “Hanks” he said over the wind and radio, and with that I flicked the lighter close. Soon I could smell the bitter sweet scent of Blackstone cigarillos silently circling the inside of the cabin. I longed for one but I knew that he had few left, and most gas stations and stores were either plundered or abandon. “Let the man enjoy his Blackstone” I thought.

He inhaled deeply before fixing it between his middle and fore finger while he grasped the wheel. “We’re finally going to be safe, away from those draft goons. ‘Safest City in the Midwest’ my ass, Granted it hasn’t been nuked yet but with those pigs trying to scoop us up for duty, I would rather take my chances with some of those gangs outsida’ St. Louis.” Charley took another puff of his cigar before returning his hand to the wheel, “There’s not much there for us anyway…” “Just corpses” I finished.

An uncomfortable silence fell on us like a wet blanket. It was obvious that there was an elephant sitting between us on the bench seat. There was a substation nearby, and I could tell that charley needed a rest.

I shifted my gaze from the passenger side window to the front, as the car slowly rumbled to a stop near the edge of the fence. The Rumbling sound of the car was replaced with the buzzing of the substation, like a static backdrop to the barren wasteland.

I stepped out of the car and looked over the roof to the highway. There was a railway crossing about a half a mile ahead, with no train in sight.

I was irked with Ruth’s death. I know Charley was still grief stricken with the loss of his spouse, and right after Ruth’s brother, Walter, had gotten shot. This friendliness was nothing but a mask. The nooses were painfully baroque in comparison to her; I was perplexed at how a single rafter could support so much beauty. It was as if a mother cat were taking her kitten back home, by the scruff of the neck. I could never figure out why she married Charley, they came from vastly different backgrounds, she was similar to Charley in one way though, the inclination to do rash things strictly out of grief. The sweat dripping from my brow was an unusual mixture of heat and anxiety, as if my body was weeping from the stress. I began to wonder, when we would finally reach John’s, what’s there for me?

I recollected the image of her swaying corpse, juxtaposed on the bleak scenery, I was disgusted with Charley. I wondered if he even truly loved her. How could he? He left her body for the bomb to take care of. I was no longer sweating from anxiety or the heat, I was enraged.

I slammed the car door shut. Charley’s back was towards me. “How could you just leave her there,” I screamed over the roof of the car. He spun around and slammed his glasses on the car’s roof. “Who the hell are you, DID YOU WANT TO DIE IN THAT HOLE LIKE THOSE TWO, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!” “No Chay, what’s wrong with YOU!” I yelled back at him. “You just left her alone like she would fix herself or something.” Charley threw down his cigar on the roof, “What was I supposed to do?” sparks from the tip scattered down the windshield, “I didn’t kill Walter!”

“You might as well have man! You knew the pigs were going to raid that spot, YOU ABANDON BOTH OF THEM JUST LIKE JOHN ABANDON YOU!” Charley ripped a pistol from hi pocket as soon as his best friend’s name left my lips. “HE LEFT YOU TOO! HE LEFT BOTH OF US FOR THAT WHORE SARAH!” The Pistol Quivered across the hood of the car. If the sun had been setting behind me I would have seen straight down the barrel. I slowly removed my pistol from my pocket as well. “Is that why you left Ruth?” I saw the Resolve in Charley’s eyes and watched his tendons flex as he went to pull the trigger, but I beat him to it.

The sound ripped through the dull buzzing of the substation as the bullet traveled through the rolled down windows of the car, striking Charley in the below the sternum. I saw his face turn and his chest gasp for air before he collapsed on the opposite side of the car. I couldn’t hear the substation or the wind, just Charley’s agonizing moans and a train in the distance. He rolled over staring at me, tears running down his face. I pointed the gun at his head, “I loved her to you know.” Charley let out a chuckle and a smile between gasps and tears. “I don’t blame you.” I pulled the trigger.

I put Charley’s last Blackstone in his mouth and lit it for him, I wished I could smoke it. I sat on the hood of the car and put the barrel to the roof of my mouth and thought, “Let the man enjoy his Blackstone.” I pulled the trigger.

[PMA]

1. Indents and breaking apart of paragraphs will make this ALOT less intimidating. I managed to read all through it... but it LOOKS super blocky.

2. It's taut (as in string), not taught. Dunno why THAT bothered me so much. Also, you had some "too, to, two" problems here and there.

3. Watch your tense shifts, specifically when talking about the lighters there is constant shifts between past and present. Or "when we would finally reach" and lines like that are particularly awkward in terms of tense.

4. Spaces between some of the dialogue would be nice, just because it can get confusing with no noun markers like: "he said." I know it's a style you're going for, but its still occassionally awkward.

5. The rage in the main character sort of came out of nowhere. For most of the carride he just seemed depressed or apathetic or something, and then all of a sudden went berserk. It'd be nice to see a little more discomfort from him building up throughout the story.

6. The imagery was spot on for most of the car ride (although a bit verbose at times, haha). I really enjoyed most of the diction choices and such though.

Overall, pretty enjoyable. Just a few little things that bugged me (and fairly easy to fix).

[ROCKSTEADY]

for some reason when i pasted it from the word document it got way blocky.

[PMA]

No prob. I'd just edit your post and put a space in between each paragraph so it doesn't look so ridiculous.

[Ceraziefish]

Damn, this story is slick as hell. I really like it.

One thing I'd watch out for that Nick didn't get; you have a tendency to randomly capitalize things. Like the sentence "The Pistol Quivered across the hood of the car." Only The should be capitalized here. Not a huge deal, though.

Other than that, I'd recommend you just read the thing out loud to yourself. This is a great way of catching typos that you wouldn't notice otherwise.

I don't really think his crazy rage comes out of nowhere. You made it pretty clear that it was uncomfortable as hell in the car, I liked that. You might want to make it a little more obvious but still. I dig it. It's mad awesome.

[Chris]

Like what was said above, more tension being built up between the two would have been better, since you say they were such good friends. The story seems so chill and then BOOM, it picks up. Separate some of the dialouge too, it seems a little cluttered, but if that's as a result of Word then I guess it's fine.

Awesome story though, I love the dark ending. Like originally it's "I'll let my friend enjoy himself" then it goes "I'll let my friend I just killed enjoy himself." Awesome.

[Satan]

I'm no great critic, but here's my two cents.

Needs a bit of editing, there are a few typos and grammar mistakes. Not too many, but just enough to be noticeable.

As has been pointed out, format's a bit of a problem, though once I started reading I didn't mind at all.

As far as the story itself goes, excellent.

I thought the tension was definitely there for the entire thing, thouh I suppose it could have bult a bit more, but there was definitely a feeling that something was wrong that entire time. Part of it might be that I don't mind a sudden explosion of tension as long as its been tense all along, which it was.

[ROCKSTEADY]

thanks guys.

I've been capitalizing random words since i started writing Its a really bad habit

I tried to edit the format in Edit mode but everytime i did it added weird symbols in odd places so i left it.

Thanks again guys, im glad you liked it :awesome: