Stargrave Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 i am making a comic book. its going to be amazing, you can all buy a copy of the first print when it comes out and save it in a mylar sleeve with an acid-free card backing. CF and galkar has already seen this i belive but i want to show it to an audience who hasn't seen it yet to get some objective feedback. note: i am not drawing this comic these are just stand in story-boards, this is also just the first scene from my comic. i think i might have the next scene done sometime this week. panel 1 wide angle of stromburg family dining room. nicotine stained walls. bills newspaper crap etc on table. cinderblock coffee table and crummy free couch in room. kids school work and art taped to the breakfast machine. little sister is reading book at the table. dad is pouring vodka into his coffee with his few remaining fingers. frank and dean are fighting over something trivial. mom is in her bathrobe chewing on a cigarette holding a coffee in one hand and banging on the breakfast machine with the other. panel 2 over the shoulder of dad looking at daughter reading book at breakfast table. Dad: Hey baby girl whatcha reading there. little sister dosent look up from book little sister:book for school. panel 3 reverse view of last panel dad: school? thats good. stay in school! dont end up working in a dumpster factory like your old man. sister: uh-huh panel 4 camera centers on the twins shoving back and forth frank: knock it off! dean: Jerk! frank: knock it off! dean: Jerk! frank: knock it off! dean: Jerk! panel 5 camera pans up a bit from last to show mom behind them mom: boys! shut the hell up mommy has a splitting headache and i dont need anyone yelling! the breakfast machine isnt working. maybe angstrom can fix it again. panel 6 camera is back to over sister's shoulder looking at dad dad: ...if you do end up working in a dumpster factory dont let them stick you with pummler duty. one false move and that machine will ruin you. sister: sure thing dad. sister still dosent look up from her book. panel 7 camera is on mom and the breakfast machine. mom: frank! go down the hall and get angstrom out of bed! i havent seen him all morning. and when you get back sit across the table from your brother. you two shouldnt be fighting. panel 8 frank is poking out of the dooe to angstrom's room. frank: hes not in there mom! frank quietly adds : but he left his computer on... panel 9 back to dad and the little sister dad: -cause you dont want mandibles like these. he holds up his few-fingered hands. sister: dad a mandible is like a jaw or something. i think you mean claws. dad: yeah! see? youre too smart for factory work panel 10 mom next to breakfast machine mom: where is that boy? he said he'd be home late so he couldnt have gotten up and left the house already panel 11 video phone on the wall next to mom rings phone: ping ping ping incoming call from city police department. mom: a year later they still havent done anything about the time i got mugged but the week i get a parking ticket they call me... panel 12 close up of video phone screen. camera peeks at the top of the panel. impersonal representitive: good morning mr and or mrs stromburg. i regret to inform you that at 01:15:45am this morning a one angus stromburg was found dead downtown in a possibly gang related shooting. panel 13 impersonal representitive: an invetigation is underway. and autopsy has already been completed. transit of the corpse for funeral detail can be contacted at our homicide public liasons office at the contact information proveded below. we are sorry for you loss and wish you have a saftey-tastic day panel 14 -missing storyboard art- same view as panel 1. except everyone in the room is staring at the screen. mom is slumped in a pile on the floor. dad dosent look at the screen, he just pours more vodka in his coffee. please leave comments on any aspect of it! Link to comment
Galkar Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 You never actually showed this to me, is it the one Savi is drawing? I'm hardly a comic critic, but so far it seems good. I was wondering a bit where all that sort of trivial stuff was going until the last panel where it was clear that it was just setting the scene for the *BUM BUM* dramatic change. At first some of the dialogue sounded a little unnatural, but then I realized that's probably just because of how it's laid out right now in a message board post and if it were in speech bubbles in a comic it would seem fine. I like the little representitive dude in storryboard form adjusting his glasses. Link to comment
LeadingMan Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 Am I... Am I allowed to... Say what I really think? Link to comment
Stargrave Posted June 12, 2007 Author Share Posted June 12, 2007 Am I... Am I allowed to... Say what I really think? only if its good *sniff* Link to comment
Stargrave Posted June 13, 2007 Author Share Posted June 13, 2007 but in all seriousness tell me what you tihnk. Link to comment
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