prose thing - a kind of continuation

[Chris]

edited because i read it over, and it's apparent that anyone that isnt me wont be able to make much sense of it :awesome:

[LeadingMan]

Paragraphs, son. Paragraphs. See below for an example. By composing thoughts together in paragraphs it makes your concepts and ideas easier to follow and thus relate to. (Even though mine may be written hastily and without any editting making them look awful. Hah!) Proper formatting is the glass that holds the water of your story. Without that structure you have a mess all over the floor and it's impossible to drink without stooping over like an animal. But in a fine glass, the liquid is all the more inviting.

Anyways, I didn't read your previous entry, so I reserve the right to edit this post later, but for now it appears this was the wrong piece for me to start with. It's difficult to tell exactly what is going on here in many places (likely due to the lack of formatting) particularly near the end when multiple people begin speaking in response to each other rather quickly and without the narrator/you telling us who is talking. Worse yet, It also becomes easy to confuse the characters between one another. They all have similar names forced into one of two camps, those who are named something difficult for english speakers to recognize as a name (Xec-Hye) or those who are named after traits or things (Bane, Deceipt, Plague, Dread)

Now, I suppose this may not really be that big of an issue, as I've only read a snippet of your plot and as all four of those last characters appear to be either clones or the original, but they still were difficult to me to determine the difference between. Especially towards the end when they were all talking without being announced. (as in "____ angrily replied") Again, this might not matter much when the story is whole. But as a snippet it's difficult to determine any difference between any of the characters other than the length of their individual monologues. Everyone seems to talk in the same angsty, sad and hollow tone. And given that they're clones/androids/whatever this may be intended, but it makes it hard on the reader to know who is talking. Even in the thick of a battle with a full squad of 8 avengers and 100 ninjas you can still pick out Spider-Man, even in a script form. Why? Because of his character. All these guys seem homogenous. However this very well could be the entire point of the piece, and I'm just unable to discern that properly without greater subtext.

What I did enjoy however was the overall mood of the piece. You very clearly brought about a sense of darkness, despair, and even a questionng of reality. I do think that in a general sense this could be developed to a greater extent. A lot of your sentences are telling sentences. There is very little showing going on here. For example: "The Emerald Room lied in a dark dimension." Okay. Well, I guess I know that there's a dark dimension somewhere and that this room is in it. But all in all that doesn't help much. It's akin to saying, "The Emerald Room was on the darkened ground floor." Well, now we know where it is and the lighting condition, but you could convey so much more! There could be intent, mood, and even forshadowing wrapped within that sentence.

Of course, not every sentence you write needs to show instead of tell. A lot of that is determined by your individual style. However when I read the dialogue between the characters I feel personally that your story would be better served by some descriptors, adjective, similies, metaphors, anything that can related mood depth and pathos to your work. Because a story like this deserves those things. Hemmingway gets away with being dry in the old man and the sea because it's about a simple guy on a boat. He thinks simple, his life is simple, so the story is simple. But here we have a grandiose and epic tale, and those need grandiose and epic writing.

Anyways, I think I'm going to go read your other snippet and hopefully it will bring more light to the story. I may edit in some more opinion later.

Hope I wasn't too harsh. I don't intend to be. If I respond this much to something anyone writes it generally means I either like what I see, or I see something that can be worked into something that genuinely interests me. So please take it as a compliment that I have so much to say! Just means that I believe in ya. :wink:

[Chris]

Oh no not harsh at all, I know what you mean. (it doesnt seem like paragraphs, because when i copied and pasted it, it didnt post with tabs). I wrote that at about 2am - 3am. I understand the piece needs a shitload of editing and elaborating. Xec Hye (zek-high) and Backlash are breaking away from the Sons and Bane is the second in command, so theyre revealing to his clones that they are actually clones. This part would be far into the story, I thought, I'll describe this is previous chapters. I guess I over imagined what anyone would think by reading this. But thanks for reading!

[LeadingMan]

My pleasure chief, after reading both pieces all I can say is keep writing it! I really wanna see this thing when it gets done. :awesome: