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Accelerated Evolution

Discussion of My Life


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First of all, I want to say that I know that I have probably come across as a bit of a downer lately, and for that I completely apologize. I really appreciate that none of you have been giving me a hard time about it. Because I honestly wish that I could be one of those people that doesn't always end up being depressed and whiny about something. But of course, with all of this being said, I shall continue on with my post, and I apologize in advance if by the end you are rolling your eyes.

I just feel that I need to cut some people out of my life. I am really exhausted with being treated like dirt. I have never been one to stand up for myself, and I know that I come across as very insecure and vulnerable. And it seems that lately, this aspect of myself has been consistently taken advantage of. People constantly walk all over me, insult me, and use me as their punching bag. I am fed up. Maybe I am being too self-righteous, and feeling that I am too important, or even acting conceited, but I feel that I am better than the way that I am being treated. I can't seem to find anyone that respects me anymore, and I feel that others are being extremely insensitive to what has happened to me recently. I just want some respect. I know that these days, I am quite different than I was prior to the summer, but I believe that my reasons are justified. I don't understand what people are expecting from me. I have been through Hell in the past 2 months, and I am being expected to just jump back into life and forget about it all. My closest friend died (and he was even more than that to me, we had begun to see each other before he left on the trip that would result in his death), and I ended up spending all of August locked in a white room in the psychiatric ward. And everyone wonders what the fuck is wrong with me. I just don't know how to please anyone. I know that I am selfish, I know that I can't really talk to anyone like I used to, and this is even repulsive to myself. I know that I am different. I don't know how to stop thinking about myself, and how shitty I feel inside. I don't want to be selfish like that, but I don't know how to get out of this rut. And I guess that I am just so tired of everyone treating me like garbage. How is it all fair to ostracize someone who is grieving? I have hardly any friends anymore. After the summer, and literally as soon as I was discharged from the hospital, everyone left to return to school. In the past year, 8 of my friends have moved away, and as I said, one of them died. I feel overwhelmed and completely alone.

I have tried to reach out and make new friends, but I am clearly such a pathetic human being that no one wants anything to do with me anymore. This is the worst possible time for me to be alone. I need to be with people more than ever, yet, I keep driving them away. And I don't understand why. There are no reasons for anyone to be an asshole to me, unless they are pissed off that I didn't succeed in killing myself. I spent the last half of my summer drenched in my own tears, and alone, where my friends could rarely have the time to visit me, and my own fucking parents sure as shit refused to do so. I feel so abandoned. My parents still are angry that I ever went to the hospital, and not even for the "right" fucking reasons. They threatened to kick me out once I was discharged, they took my vehicle away, and I refused to give me rides back whenever I came home for a visit. I had to go and buy new underwear one night because my parents wouldn't let me come home when I ran out. I felt pathetic, and hurt. And I still do. I just don't want people to be mean to me anymore, because I don't know what else to do. I obviously know by now that I am not perfect, but I don't need to have it reaffirmed each time I tryto speak or breathe. I don't know, it's not like I like myself very much either, so maybe I am just expecting too much from others. I just need to find someone that I can trust, because lately, it seems that as soon as I let my guard down, someone decides to take advantage of me. I don't know what to do. I am tired of being thought of as a bitch. I can honestly say that I have never been referred to as a bitch before. I am not a mean person. I don't hurt people.

I am just tired of wasting energy on people who end up disappointing me. I build up people to be so amazing in my mind, because they are. Even these people that dislike me, and are cruel to me, I still love them. I just don't know how much more of this treatment I can take. It's making me sick. I just don't know why it seems that when something unfortunate happens to them, I am the one sitting and thinking about how awful they must feel, and wondering what I can do to cheer them up, and yes, even crying over it. But as soon as something happens to me, who cares. Let's insult her.

I don't know what to do about any of this. I can't escape Ryan's death, and I can't escape all of this abuse. And I sure as Hell don't need to be told by my parents to just get over it, and how it's my own fault that all of this "bad" shit is happening to me. Who in their right mind would ever place that kind of guilt onto me? I am sorry, but you don't tell that to someone who is depressed. I am their daughter, and I am tired of being treated like a joke, and like my feelings don't matter. It's not like Ryan was anyone to me. I am so tired of insensitivity. Would my mother go over to Ryan's house and tell his grieving family that they need to just cheer the fuck up, because it wasn't that big of a deal, and that he probably didn't mean that much to them anyway? No. I may not be in his family, but Jesus Christ, I sure as Hell don't need to be told any of that shit. Are they even aware of how hard it has been for me? I go over to his house and hang out with his parents and his brother and sister, and it kills me. Obviously as long as they are near me I won't staop visiting, but seriously. Does my mother think that it was easy for me to go and meet his grandparents a few weeks ago? That was one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do. I sat there at the table with them and wondered what the Hell I was doing there, alone. It's so heartbreaking to have to do all of these things alone that should have been done with him. Why can't anyone just give me time to be upset? I am not going to get over this in a few weeks. And that goes for other people, too. Why can't I just be upset, and is it so much to ask that people don't treat me like garbage in the meantime?

Sorry everyone, for the epic rant. I don't really know if it belongs here, or in the rant pit. I think it's a life discussion. But whatever. I am just too frustrated by it to really decide. I just needed to get it out because it's destroying me, having no one to talk to.

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.__. i had no idea all that was happening to you

nobody should have to go through what you went through and i have no idea what kind of parents would tell you just get over it.

i am really really tempted to blame and insult all your friends for not supporting you. i hate that people expect everyone to be always charming, even under normal circumstances.

I am getting a cellphone in a few days and we can talk or whatever anytime

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wow.

i didn't know what to say after first reading this, and i still don't.

any words of support i can muster right now wouldn't really do you justice.

it really sounds like your friends are bitches, but it might just be that they have no idea what to say either.

granted what they have been doing sounds far worse than saying nothing.

i...uhm...

i'm still on wow.

i just can't really imagine myself in your shoes right now.

i hope you find a more comfortable pair though.

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This is just a suggestion, I'm not trying to assume anything, but ask your parents calmly and bluntly if they love you or not. That'll stir up emotions, and perhaps they'll listen to you then. Because by what you say, it looks like you're terribly misunderstood.

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I don't know what to do about any of this. I can't escape Ryan's death, and I can't escape all of this abuse. And I sure as Hell don't need to be told by my parents to just get over it, and how it's my own fault that all of this "bad" shit is happening to me. Who in their right mind would ever place that kind of guilt onto me? I am sorry, but you don't tell that to someone who is depressed. I am their daughter, and I am tired of being treated like a joke, and like my feelings don't matter. It's not like Ryan was anyone to me. I am so tired of insensitivity. Would my mother go over to Ryan's house and tell his grieving family that they need to just cheer the fuck up, because it wasn't that big of a deal, and that he probably didn't mean that much to them anyway? No. I may not be in his family, but Jesus Christ, I sure as Hell don't need to be told any of that shit. Are they even aware of how hard it has been for me? I go over to his house and hang out with his parents and his brother and sister, and it kills me. Obviously as long as they are near me I won't staop visiting, but seriously. Does my mother think that it was easy for me to go and meet his grandparents a few weeks ago? That was one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do. I sat there at the table with them and wondered what the Hell I was doing there, alone. It's so heartbreaking to have to do all of these things alone that should have been done with him. Why can't anyone just give me time to be upset? I am not going to get over this in a few weeks. And that goes for other people, too. Why can't I just be upset, and is it so much to ask that people don't treat me like garbage in the meantime?

Sorry everyone, for the epic rant. I don't really know if it belongs here, or in the rant pit. I think it's a life discussion. But whatever. I am just too frustrated by it to really decide. I just needed to get it out because it's destroying me, having no one to talk to.

Something happened in that paragraph. I can't explain it in words, but reading that just broke something in me.

Your parents are telling you that its your fault? What all did they explicitly say was your fault? I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt here, to see where they're coming from, but it sounds like the answer its "out of their asses"

Be prudent, don't rush it, but as soon as you have the means to do so, get the fuck out. I don't know your situation, but that sounds painful and honestly unhealthy

I like to think that in their hearts, all parents mean well for their children. That doesn't make their actions right or helpful. If they are honestly being that stupid (or god forid that malicious) it is not helping you. The first thing to do is talk to them. In my experience, this seldom works, but I believe in at least trying for miracles. Assuming you've done this, the best you can do is minimize the problem, which generally means moving out. If this isn't possible, and won't be any time soon, then I honestly don't know what you can do.

As for your friends...

There are two approaches you cna take. Either you drop them all like a cancer, or you give them another chance, whether they deserve it or not.

As far as I can tell, they are a cancer. Maybe you have been acting a bit differently. Maybe you have changed, maybe you're acting a bit differently just because of what you're going through (gee I wonder why) but that shouldn't matter. For them to just abandon you though, that is inexcusable.

The one thing I have to ask is how much of this is a recnt thing? If tis recent, there's more opportunity for you to recover quickly from your friends.

I encourage you to talk to Amy, and to anyone else you can think of. I don;t know you well enough to know what you can do, but just talking to someone willing to listen will help.

I think Vel put it best.

Wow

and btw, since it seems like you're asking for advice, this is the right place.

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First of all, I want to say that I know that I have probably come across as a bit of a downer lately, and for that I completely apologize. I really appreciate that none of you have been giving me a hard time about it. Because I honestly wish that I could be one of those people that doesn't always end up being depressed and whiny about something. But of course, with all of this being said, I shall continue on with my post, and I apologize in advance if by the end you are rolling your eyes.

I didn't get to read your entire post because I had to say this:

Never apologize for the reactions of other people to your life and feelings. It's not your fault if they don't understand.

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Oh - I meant to say this, but didn't. Foldered has been very supportive of me. Honestly, he's been literally the only person that I have here in Prince George. I mean, obviously we have our disputes once in a while, but I just want to make sure that everyone knows that I wasn't referring to him. He's amazing.

.__. i had no idea all that was happening to you

nobody should have to go through what you went through and i have no idea what kind of parents would tell you just get over it.

i am really really tempted to blame and insult all your friends for not supporting you. i hate that people expect everyone to be always charming, even under normal circumstances.

I am getting a cellphone in a few days and we can talk or whatever anytime

Yeah, I haven't really been talking about stuff too much. I am pretty good at hiding things. I would totally talk to you. You remind me of my best friend. Just the way that you are off at school and how you talk about the people around you, and your roommates. I really enjoy it, though it also makes me really miss her even more. And it makes me miss you, for some reason.

i just can't really imagine myself in your shoes right now.

i hope you find a more comfortable pair though.

That was a really comforting thing for me to hear. I liked that.

This is just a suggestion, I'm not trying to assume anything, but ask your parents calmly and bluntly if they love you or not. That'll stir up emotions, and perhaps they'll listen to you then. Because by what you say, it looks like you're terribly misunderstood.

Communication is the hugest issue with my parents. I cannot talk to them at all about how I feel, and I am constantly shut out by them. I don't feel loved at all, and I am not even joking. Both of them have always favored my sister, and once she moved out, it was like they just retired. They don't even remember that they have another daughter living under their roof most of the time. I found out recently that all of my dad's friends thought that he just had one daughter. I walked upstairs, and they were all sitting around, and looked completely shocked to see me, and asked who I was. They thought that I was my sister, and started asking me about my life in Alberta and stuff, and I was like "........." It was really depressing.

Something happened in that paragraph. I can't explain it in words, but reading that just broke something in me.

Your parents are telling you that its your fault? What all did they explicitly say was your fault? I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt here, to see where they're coming from, but it sounds like the answer its "out of their asses"

Be prudent, don't rush it, but as soon as you have the means to do so, get the fuck out. I don't know your situation, but that sounds painful and honestly unhealthy

I like to think that in their hearts, all parents mean well for their children. That doesn't make their actions right or helpful. If they are honestly being that stupid (or god forid that malicious) it is not helping you. The first thing to do is talk to them. In my experience, this seldom works, but I believe in at least trying for miracles. Assuming you've done this, the best you can do is minimize the problem, which generally means moving out. If this isn't possible, and won't be any time soon, then I honestly don't know what you can do.

As for your friends...

There are two approaches you cna take. Either you drop them all like a cancer, or you give them another chance, whether they deserve it or not.

As far as I can tell, they are a cancer. Maybe you have been acting a bit differently. Maybe you have changed, maybe you're acting a bit differently just because of what you're going through (gee I wonder why) but that shouldn't matter. For them to just abandon you though, that is inexcusable.

The one thing I have to ask is how much of this is a recnt thing? If tis recent, there's more opportunity for you to recover quickly from your friends.

While I was in the hospital, I was frantically trying to find a place to move out to, but it all kind of didn't work out. It went back to the whole deal about how I don't have any friends here anymore, and I realized that it was going to be impossible. I am waiting until the end of the semester now before I get out. My friend might move back, because she's also become very depressed since Ryan died. I am putting a lot of hope into moving out with her.

All of this has happened within the past month or two. It's just going to be really hard for me to make new friends, because I am a bit shy. People who don't know me well assume that I am a snob, I imagine, because I don't say much. I try to, I honestly am not one of those terribly shy individuals, it's just really difficult for me to be social and outgoing whilst having so much other stuff going on inside of me. I tried to talk to my mom about that, about how I can't talk to people very easily when I am upset, and she just got mad and told me that I create my own life, and that it's all in my head and that I have nothing to be sad about. I understand that I could try and think positively, but it is SO incredibly challenging right now.

And like, while under doctor's care, they tried to set up meetings with my parents so that we could have someone to mediate, but they refused to meet with them because they wouldn't come down to the hospital. It got to the point where the doctor's almost refused to send me home because they wanted to keep me away from my parents. I guess that's one thing that I don't really need to carry around on my shoulders; just that if a whole staff of doctors and nurses are fearful for what could happen to me at home, then maybe I don't need to blame myself for being a horrible child.

that's all super SUPER awful :\. i hope you get the chance to get away from your parents and into some better relationships soon

Yeahh, I might even just... move. I was thinking of living with my sister in Alberta, but the thing holding me back is how much I would miss Jordannn, ha ha.

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I found out recently that all of my dad's friends thought that he just had one daughter. I walked upstairs, and they were all sitting around, and looked completely shocked to see me, and asked who I was. They thought that I was my sister, and started asking me about my life in Alberta and stuff, and I was like "........." It was really depressing.

That breaks my heart. There are no words to describe how awful that truly is.

I don't know your parents, I don't want to judge them because it's none of my business, but this whole situation makes me feel sick in my stomach. How could they treat you that way?

This is making me sick, that's all I can say.

I just wish I could give you a hug or something.

EDIT: I don't care if this comes off as corny because I don't trouble myself with that sort of thing, but I have a question/suggestion:

Do you have any pets?

If not, I can highly suggest getting a pet (cat or dog preferably), if your parents will let you have one (here's to hoping!). My cat, Duchess, helped me so much when I was alone and sick in Germany. When my "husband" didn't care, she did. (He was only a husband on paper. Not a very genuinely good person). I have Crohn's Disease, which made/makes me puke a lot, a lot! LOL It wasn't my husband that comforted me when I was sick, it was Duchess. She would always come stand by me when I was hung over the sink, meowing at me, and I knew everything was going to be okay. When he didn't care anymore, Duchess did. Duchess loved me no matter how depressed I was, and I swear that cat knew what I was going though. I've always taken comfort in animals-when I had no friends, I had animals to talk to. And it doesn't matter whether they understand your words, simply because they will listen. And you can look into those big, beautiful eyes and see more soul than a lot of people seem to have.

My cats love me no matter what people think of me, and that is one of the best feelings in the world. It gave me something important to do-take care of these cats, love them with all of my heart and they will give me the same, unconditionally. No matter what I am somebody to them-I'm Mommy and they fall all over themselves to greet me when I have been away from home for a little while. I'll curl up on the loveseat and before I know it I have all of them either curled up on me or right beside me. Such a simple thing, but one of the best feelings I've ever known.

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Darcie does have Atari, who is one of the more hilarious cats I have ever seen. :wub:

I'm gonna throw in another vote for "stunned silence." I've been seeing you post things on AE, facebook, whatever, that make me very sad. I wish there was more I could do, although I don't know what I can do. I've been holding off on responding, even though I really wanted to, because I've been hoping that I would have something supportive to say. In classic "I'm an asshole" fashion, I don't.

However, I invite you to call me whenever (I'm not in class or playing DnD >_> well okay I can take a break from DnD), or, hell, send me a letter, that one you did (by JordanPost) was awesome! (or if anyone else who reads this wants to send me a letter, I love reading and writing them; P.O. Box 60584, Olympia, WA, 98505).

Jordan told me a bit about your situation while he was here, although I'm sure it's changed since then. I really hope things turn out better for you. I gotta say, at the risk of sounding like a dick... I hate your parents, and I don't even know them.

I have some of the most relaxed parents in the world and I couldn't stand living with them at the end of the summer. I'm not saying our situations are at all similar (mine was more of me being selfish and a loser, and lazy, too!) but getting out of your parents' house improves quality of life by about a thousand percent.

Also, I'm thinking of transferring to UBC next year (hint, hint) if you're thinking of moving down there, haha.

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Ohh, yes, I do have my pets. In fact, I have to be very strict with myself, because I tend to just keep bringing them home. My cat is really helpful. I got her at a very low time in my life. I've had people tell me that I shouldn't just go and get a pet to use as my crutch every time that something goes wrong in my life - but I don't really care. Animals are definitely what helps me. I have told numerous people before in my life that people have constantly let me down and disappointed me when I needed them the most, but an animal never has. I know that not every one is an animal person, but I find complete comfort in them. When I have a bad week, I go to the SPCA and spend time with all of the sad animals. I spend so much time there, and the employees all recognize me. I respond so well to animals. My psychiatrist has this little puppy that is absolutely perfect for me. She would bring her to the ward, and always has her in her office. Animals also tend to be drawn to me quite a bit, too, so that makes me feel kind of cool.

I also have three fish. They are pretty good company. The only negative thing about having them is the reason why I have them in the first place. My friend Joyce and I were really depressed when Ryan left on his trip, and we were so lonely. One night after he left, we decided that we needed to do something fun that we could show him when he returned. We went on this huge drive all over the city to try and find the perfect fish. We ended up at Walmart... haha, and we bought three fish, and our goal was to keep them alive at least until he returned, because they were sort of acting as him. It might sound weird, but it was a totally awesome idea. And still is. But now I am terrified of them dying, because... I don't know. He never came back, so they've always sort of been the last memory.

But one last animal story, and then I am done. Ryan, Joyce, and I always would go to this little place in the woods to hang out. It consists of these two large trees that sort of make a bit of an enclosure, and it's all hollow underneath them, so you can sit down. There are wooden pallets there that we used as chairs, and we spent almost every night in June sitting beneath them. When it rains, you don't even really get wet either, because they are so thick and amazing. After Ryan died, Joyce and I went there. We weren't happy (obviously), and we decided to just hang out there for a few hours and listen to music. The whole time, there was this silly little squirrel, making noises, and sitting on low branches, just staring and eating. He constantly drops shit all over our heads and our picnic meals. At first, Joyce wanted to throw a rock at it, but I stopped her. This squirrel is there every single time that we have been there from that point on, and in a way, I feel that it's Ryan. I don't believe in reincarnation, but I just have a feeling that this squirrel knows. It's just a weird feeling, and ever since then, I find that squirrels are always around me.

Anyway... back from that tangent. Robin, would you really move to Vancouver? That would be really really neat, because I would 100% guarantee that I would visit you, or possible move nearer to there.

And I really appreciate that some of you are just offering your ears to listen. It means so much, and I am really surprised at how much people seem to care.

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You only think that Alberta sucks because you have spent little time there. I told you that I would take you there and show you how beautiful it can be. I WILL BLOW YOUR MIND.

And I mean, when I was visiting there in May, I felt so peaceful. I don't get to rest very often, or escape things. But it was helpful. I don't know, maybe my solution is to just leave Prince George, and live somewhere where I won't be haunted.

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Hey, don't talk down about yourself so much. There's nothing wrong with anything that you're feeling right now. And you can NEVER be to self righteous. It might sound a little cold, but you need to make sure you're happy before you worry about almost anyone else in this world. If that means that you need to get away - whether for a breather or to start fresh in one way or another - , then that's what you should probably do. Just be sure you find a way to be happy before you listen to other people nag and whine at you.

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Ohh, yes, I do have my pets. In fact, I have to be very strict with myself, because I tend to just keep bringing them home. My cat is really helpful. I got her at a very low time in my life. I've had people tell me that I shouldn't just go and get a pet to use as my crutch every time that something goes wrong in my life - but I don't really care. Animals are definitely what helps me. I have told numerous people before in my life that people have constantly let me down and disappointed me when I needed them the most, but an animal never has. I know that not every one is an animal person, but I find complete comfort in them. When I have a bad week, I go to the SPCA and spend time with all of the sad animals. I spend so much time there, and the employees all recognize me. I respond so well to animals. My psychiatrist has this little puppy that is absolutely perfect for me. She would bring her to the ward, and always has her in her office. Animals also tend to be drawn to me quite a bit, too, so that makes me feel kind of cool.

I also have three fish. They are pretty good company. The only negative thing about having them is the reason why I have them in the first place. My friend Joyce and I were really depressed when Ryan left on his trip, and we were so lonely. One night after he left, we decided that we needed to do something fun that we could show him when he returned. We went on this huge drive all over the city to try and find the perfect fish. We ended up at Walmart... haha, and we bought three fish, and our goal was to keep them alive at least until he returned, because they were sort of acting as him. It might sound weird, but it was a totally awesome idea. And still is. But now I am terrified of them dying, because... I don't know. He never came back, so they've always sort of been the last memory.

But one last animal story, and then I am done. Ryan, Joyce, and I always would go to this little place in the woods to hang out. It consists of these two large trees that sort of make a bit of an enclosure, and it's all hollow underneath them, so you can sit down. There are wooden pallets there that we used as chairs, and we spent almost every night in June sitting beneath them. When it rains, you don't even really get wet either, because they are so thick and amazing. After Ryan died, Joyce and I went there. We weren't happy (obviously), and we decided to just hang out there for a few hours and listen to music. The whole time, there was this silly little squirrel, making noises, and sitting on low branches, just staring and eating. He constantly drops shit all over our heads and our picnic meals. At first, Joyce wanted to throw a rock at it, but I stopped her. This squirrel is there every single time that we have been there from that point on, and in a way, I feel that it's Ryan. I don't believe in reincarnation, but I just have a feeling that this squirrel knows. It's just a weird feeling, and ever since then, I find that squirrels are always around me.

That has to be one of the sweetest things I have ever read. You are so thoughtful. You remind me of myself a lot.

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Thing is... Moving to Vancouver and going to UBC has been a goal of mine for a really long time now. But now, I'm in a really comfortable place, an almost sane place in my life and I'm not sure I want to upset that by moving.

Needless to say, though, we should all meet up there sometime, haha. It's way easier for me to get there than to go to PG :awesome:

Alberta isn't that bad. I have a lot of happy memories of going there as a kid, (which you might think is weird considering that I'm from Washington, but whatever) and I enjoyed Calgary the only time I was there. Beautiful landscape, too, although I don't think I could handle the weather.

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What the fuck. Why is everything wrong with me directly my fault?

I went to bed a little while ago, and I was just laying in the dark, listening to music and playing Solitaire. My mother gets home, comes downstairs, and starts bitching at me about how I am always moping around in my room, and that I shouldn't just be laying in bed, and to stop being so lazy and get another job if I am just going to sleep all day.

Darcie: Why don't you ask me why I am laying in bed at 9:30pm in the first place, and then I'll tell you instead of you jumping to conclusions.

Lois: ... Fine. Why are you laying in bed?

Darcie: Because I have a migraine and it hurts enough for me to cry.

Lois: Oh. Well I have a really bad headache, too, and I just got home from my class.

Then she keeps going and tells me that maybe I should go to work once in a while. I have been over this with her a million fucking times. Do I make my own Goddamn schedule? No. I go to work when I am scheduled. She told me to get another job, since I only spend 3 hours a week in class, and barely work. I just stared at her and said, "So you want me to over work myself when I am already physically exhausted from not sleeping at night because of nightmares about my friend's dead body and falling off of cliffs?" Yes, I should get another job with all of my free time, but are you kidding me? I am taking this semester slowly for a fucking reason. It wasn't even my decision, it was more of a doctor's order. She just stared at me and said "Well maybe you should eat better and get off your ass instead of laying in bed. Did she not hear what I just said? Yes, I don't work as much as I did in the summer, and yes, I only go to class twice a week. But I just can't believe how fucking two-faced she is. I mean, I feel like shit. She told me that she is completely emotionally overwhelmed, and maybe I should grow up because I am not the only one who feels like shit. I just said "Did your best friend die two months ago?" All that she said was "That doesn't matter, it's not like it was yesterday. It's not an excuse for being upset."

FUCK YOU.

Then I politely asked her to not talk to me like that about Ryan's death, and to please leave so that I could go to sleep. I shouldn't have even been polite to her, but I was. She left my room, and she didn't close the door, so I said, "Could you close my door?" Then she came back and said "Don't you dare make demands of me."

So I had to get up, WHILE I AM SICK, and close the door.

Maybe I am being selfish, but I mean... I am laying in bed feeling ill, and she makes me get up to close the door that she just opened. Jesus Christ.

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Please let your mom adopt me. I'm such a fucking asshole. Me and my mom have gotten into such incredible fights to the point where I tell her to hit me or fucking walk away. I've said horrible things and my mom has said horrible things back at me. I think my mom is the only one that can handle me because I am so much like her that after we have a huge fight like 20 minutes after we'll be cool.

Anyways I say please let her adopt me because I think I'd drive your mom insane.

Number one reason why it's a lose lose situation to argue with me in person.

1) I enjoy starting conflicts- yes I know it's a fault

2) I don't back down

3) I'm a loud Italian, yes the stereotype is true.

It sucks that your mom doesn't just leave you alone. It sounds like she needs to mind her own business.

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Yeah, I once asked my mother why she didn't just abort me, and her response was "I don't know."

But even before I said that to her, she told me a few years ago that she should have had an abortion... But maybe I shouldn't have repeated that because it's kind of something that I think about every day, and it makes me upset.

I've told her to just hit me and get it over with, too.

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Holy shit.

I'm sorry.

I remember when I was talking with my therapist about my ex, I mentioned that we had broken up about two months ago. To me, one of the reasons I was getting depressed was that I felt like I should have been over her by then. And then my therapist said to me, "Oh, so that was quite recently?" Completely jarring. I had been expecting anyone I told that to to basically be like "grow some nuts, pussy," or "get over her, ya loser." Now, this was my therapist, so of course she would say something less... blunt than that, but it was still interesting and completely changed my perspective.

Sounds like you're sort of experiencing the opposite side of that (in some ways). Two months is no time at all to recover from something; in my case I still feel bad about my breakup, four months out, and you're dealing with infinitely more shit than I am, probably than I ever will.

Death is really sad. The only people close to me I've ever had die were my grandparents, and in both cases it was a long time in coming. I can't imagine what you must be going through. On top of that, no one's cutting you any slack.

I'm very sorry. However, I can't help but think that there might be a grain of truth in what your mom is saying. She's telling you in the worst way possible but spending all day sitting around is definitely no good. I'm sure you're aware of that, though. I think the whole idea of only taking one class is good. You want to be doing stuff but not putting undue stress, I totally sympathize (I almost did that this quarter but switched at the last minute, and I do mean literally the last minute -- well, the last fifteen minutes).

I hope things get better.

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Yeah, I once asked my mother why she didn't just abort me, and her response was "I don't know."

But even before I said that to her, she told me a few years ago that she should have had an abortion... But maybe I shouldn't have repeated that because it's kind of something that I think about every day, and it makes me upset.

I've told her to just hit me and get it over with, too.

Sweet christ.

My mom has told me a couple times that she wished I'd been a girl, but still. :sad:

That's fucked up. I think your plan of moving out is a good one.

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Yeah, I mean, a few weeks ago, I was working 4 or 5 days a week, and taking the one class, so I wasn't really at home too often. But, my boss just hired two new people, so now I work only 2 or 3 times a week. I also understand that recently, I've had a bit more free time on my hands, and I would much rather be out of the house getting something done. I just hate how she blames it all on me, and tells me that I am lazy when I have literally no control over it anymore. I mean, I can't help that I don't work on days that I am not scheduled, and I am so tired of her (and my dad, too) scolding me for not working.

Sometimes I feel like going to a park all day, and then coming home later and saying that I was at work, just so they'll shut up. :awesome:

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What. The. Hell.

Seriously, what causes a human being to become that vile and entirely inept of anything resembling parental affection... or skills... OR RESPONSIBILITY. I mean, are you fucking kidding me? What the hell is wrong with her? There has got to be some grand reason for her acting like a completely psychotic bitch.

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If what I say soudns ridiculous, its because its all I can think of and I'm trying to think of something I can say that might possibly help, but, well, "Holy Shit!" seems to sum up my reaction better than anything else

What the fuck. Why is everything wrong with me directly my fault?

I went to bed a little while ago, and I was just laying in the dark, listening to music and playing Solitaire. My mother gets home, comes downstairs, and starts bitching at me about how I am always moping around in my room, and that I shouldn't just be laying in bed, and to stop being so lazy and get another job if I am just going to sleep all day.

Darcie: Why don't you ask me why I am laying in bed at 9:30pm in the first place, and then I'll tell you instead of you jumping to conclusions.

Lois: ... Fine. Why are you laying in bed?

Darcie: Because I have a migraine and it hurts enough for me to cry.

Lois: Oh. Well I have a really bad headache, too, and I just got home from my class.

Then she keeps going and tells me that maybe I should go to work once in a while. I have been over this with her a million fucking times. Do I make my own Goddamn schedule? No. I go to work when I am scheduled. She told me to get another job, since I only spend 3 hours a week in class, and barely work. I just stared at her and said, "So you want me to over work myself when I am already physically exhausted from not sleeping at night because of nightmares about my friend's dead body and falling off of cliffs?"

my best guess is that yes, she does think this is what you should do. The fact that it appears to be about as healthy as playing russian roullette with the bullet already in the chamber may not process in her head. I'm serious here. It sounds like she simply doesn't get it.

Yes, I should get another job with all of my free time, but are you kidding me? I am taking this semester slowly for a fucking reason. It wasn't even my decision, it was more of a doctor's order. She just stared at me and said "Well maybe you should eat better and get off your ass instead of laying in bed. Did she not hear what I just said? Yes, I don't work as much as I did in the summer, and yes, I only go to class twice a week. But I just can't believe how fucking two-faced she is. I mean, I feel like shit. She told me that she is completely emotionally overwhelmed, and maybe I should grow up because I am not the only one who feels like shit. I just said "Did your best friend die two months ago?" All that she said was "That doesn't matter, it's not like it was yesterday. It's not an excuse for being upset."

let me amend my above statement. She doesn't get it. My guess is that her mind will not acknowledge certain things about you (anything positive, emotional state, etc.)

FUCK YOU.

Then I politely asked her to not talk to me like that about Ryan's death, and to please leave so that I could go to sleep. I shouldn't have even been polite to her, but I was. She left my room, and she didn't close the door, so I said, "Could you close my door?" Then she came back and said "Don't you dare make demands of me."

So I had to get up, WHILE I AM SICK, and close the door.

Maybe I am being selfish, but I mean... I am laying in bed feeling ill, and she makes me get up to close the door that she just opened. Jesus Christ.

Wow. there's just not much else to say

Yeah, I mean, a few weeks ago, I was working 4 or 5 days a week, and taking the one class, so I wasn't really at home too often. But, my boss just hired two new people, so now I work only 2 or 3 times a week. I also understand that recently, I've had a bit more free time on my hands, and I would much rather be out of the house getting something done. I just hate how she blames it all on me, and tells me that I am lazy when I have literally no control over it anymore. I mean, I can't help that I don't work on days that I am not scheduled, and I am so tired of her (and my dad, too) scolding me for not working.

Sometimes I feel like going to a park all day, and then coming home later and saying that I was at work, just so they'll shut up. :awesome:

My friend and I used to use that park trick when his mom told us to get out of the house. As i recall, at least we were away. I'd think a coffeeshop would also work. If you're seriusly considering killing time outside the house, and having had experience with it, I personally recommend it, it is easy. I bike, but that's a personal thing, though since i can bike anywhere, it opens things up. Maybe they'd consider some form of excercise beneficial (ie, running/biking/going to the gym make a good lie/excuse to get away from them) go to a bookstore or similar store, go to the mall and window shop, go to a college campus and go to the bookstore/coffee shop/commons there, and back when i played I could go to game shops. Any of those should get you away from them for the better part of a day.

Like being a completely psychotic bitch?

yes. that would be a logical explanation. it appears to be the most likely possibility.

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