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Accelerated Evolution

Tried out for a "metal" band


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I have the most ridiculous story about my first audition ever singing for a band. I'm gonna go ahead and get this out of the way for those who aren't aware: I am female, and as a chick I don't get a lot of bites on the musicians classified site I am on. I don't get any bites-maybe it has nothing to do with being a woman, but that's what it feels like.

So anyway, about a month or so ago, I get a message from a band who is forming asking if I would like to try out for them. I get excited-this is everything I've ever wanted. To be in a band, to create music, and have fun. Music has been the centerpiece of my life for pretty much my entire life.

So I go to their page to see what they are all about. Their band description said something to this effect (I looked for them on the site and they are gone now-maybe they found a singer? I hope they just gave up): Newly forming heavy metal band. Will play mostly covers at first and then start writing our own stuff. We are very committed, this is like a second job to us.

So anyway, I give them my phone number, and one of the guitarists calls me and we chat. He asks me what metal is to me. Okay, they asked me this question via online message as well. I thought it was more of a "what is your perception of metal? what does it mean to you?" type question, so I went off on how I grew up on metal, and how much I love it, you know, I talked as a fan. Well, on the phone, he asked me this question again and I realized he meant bands. Well, I rattled off the classics: Maiden, Dio, etc. He didn't understand what I was talking about so I just dismissed it, cuz I was nervous and immediately turned it around on him. He said "Megadeth and Metallica." I was like, okay, that was an easy answer, but I just wanna sing so fuck it.

I thought I was gonna meet some metal to the bone motherfuckers, like minded people that dress like me and have the same interests. I was fucking stoked!

So that following Saturday, I decided to drive down there (I sacrificed for gas money-I was so wanting this gig) and they live about 50 miles from me. I end up in this upper middle class neighborhood where my ass will never belong. I was like "Okay, this is a pretty place. Maybe their just metalheads that have good jobs" LOL I drive around and finally find their house, and I knew it was the right house (well, I wasn't sure...) because it was the only one without a number on the box. Plus there was a dude outside with his dog so I hollered at him "Is this *house number*?" He was like yeah.

From the minute I looked at him something wasn't right. I smelled poseur immediately. He looked like a prep that was trying on metal like an outfit...I was pretty offended but I told myself "I have to do this-I have to cross this hurdle if I'm gonna be able to sing in front of other people." He had a beautiful wife that was probably the head cheerleader in high school. She was really sweet and their house was perfect.

So we go down to their practice room and the walls are bare-I was hoping to see some posters or something. I wanted to see what I would expect from metal fans who want to have a metal band-posters of their fuckin heroes, you know?

The other guitarist finally arrives and what the fuck? He looks like fucking Borat. A clean cut, preppy Borat. I also was unimpressed but charmed when he busted out an exact replica of my first and only electric guitar-a cherry red Fender Squire. It just said to me "This dude just bought this thing-does he know what to do with it?"

We had decided that I would sing along to "My Own Summer" (terrible song, terrible song for my vocal range, and I blew it on purpose. They wanted me to try and scream so I said "fuck it, only live once" and every time I had to yell "COME!" I laughed.) I never felt so damn ridiculous in my whole life. They were so damn serious but the whole situation was a joke. I expected to find in their practice room, as a "serious" band, at least a fucking mic and PA. I ended up having to sing along to the fucking CD, and he had it too damn loud to begin with. These mongoloids even started playing the song and then expected to hear my voice. I just stood there looking confused.

Well, finally that spectacle is over and they I knew they didn't want me, hell, I didn't want them. But they insisted that I sing something "closer to my vocal range" so I decided on "The Noose" by APC because I fucking nail that song. I had to sing without music and I was so nervous and I could hear it in my voice but I fucking tore it up-I did good for someone so green.

I knew I didn't have the gig, and I'm one of those people that like to be talked to bluntly, I don't like blow offs. HAHA! Lo and behold, they give me the classic "We'll be in touch." I thought I was gonna piss myself. What a fucking gutless thing to do. But I decided to be polite and just get the fuck out of there. And there I was-I didn't want this band, I didn't want to sing for a band that calls it a "job", I don't want to be in a band that says over and over "We're not a cover band!" but wants to sound just like Killswitch (yes, they told me they wanna sound like Killswitch-and you know what I did because I wanted it so bad? I learned every word to "The End of Heartache"(the only song they brought up by KE) in TWO DAYS just in case they wanted to play it.

All the revelations about these guys hit me like a freight train as soon as I met them. My fakedar wasn't working out of excitement. I should've seen all the signs but it was hard online. Another thing I considered was that they wanted to jump on the female metal singer bandwagon, which makes me wanna puke. So disappointed.

When I got home my fiance asked me how it went. "They were fuckin' poseurs baby!"

And he said "I knew that the minute I talked to them on the phone." :awesome:

One thing they kept saying over and over was "I just wanna make sure we're on the same page."

Turns out we weren't even reading the same book.

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LOL this is hilarious, did his wife bring down little sandwich squares and lemonade? Omg that is one of those situations that you hear about where it's really weird and you wanna bail. Props for sticking it out, and what do you mean by he didn't know what you are talking about when you said Dio and Maiden? Everyone loves Dio and Maiden.

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Everyone but them! He was just trying on metal *coughs* Killswitch...I was appalled. Metal ain't something you can just put on in the morning and take off at night. You either like it or you don't...and if you like it, you probably love it. I didn't get that impression at all from these dudes.

I figured it this way-they found a band with a sound that was successful, so they thought they would give it a go as well. My best friend (who has his own band) thinks this as well. It's all really pathetic.

LOL You know, it wouldn't have surprised me if she had LMAO

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:laugh: Tanni, lucky you. I can't stand Deftones now. I was kinda diggin' them when I was younger but then I woke up and said "They really suck. What the hell was I thinking?"

I read this article on MSNBC.com on music that made me crack the hell up. It basically says everything sucks. I loved it. It's funny and well, has some truth in it if you read it with an open mind. Hell, he even attacked some of my favorite stuff, but all is fair to me when discussing the arts. Everyone has a different perception.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19313280/

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:laugh: Tanni, lucky you. I can't stand Deftones now. I was kinda diggin' them when I was younger but then I woke up and said "They really suck. What the hell was I thinking?"

I read this article on MSNBC.com on music that made me crack the hell up. It basically says everything sucks. I loved it. It's funny and well, has some truth in it if you read it with an open mind. Hell, he even attacked some of my favorite stuff, but all is fair to me when discussing the arts. Everyone has a different perception.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19313280/

When he's talking about Metallica:

Around the time of the emergence of “speed-metal,” these guys were one of many bands doing exactly the same thing. But they had the breaks and the right publicity team and the right Misfits T-shirts and the grandiose visions of MC Hammer-ish gold-plated bathtub fixtures to keep them reaching for the stars. That their own we’re-in-couples-counseling documentary helped inspire a parody cartoon show (“Metalocalypse,” the best thing on TV) should help keep them off this list. But it doesn’t. Listen to Abruptum instead.

Unexpected levels of kvltness.

Regardless, that article was pretty much a statement of fact. :awesome:

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