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mom/dad relationship rants etc


Pamuya

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I don't usually touch much on my emotional personal life anymore and for good reason. But tonight I am just so caught up in this that I feel I have to write about it. For an hour I was almost catatonic (as in felt that if I moved off that couch, something bad would happen, and my muscles were really tense and it was hard to move) and crying on the couch after my mom blew up at me. Now she does that every now and then and for good reason, but this one really got to me. Here's a bit of a back story to understand where my mom's coming from, even if it's a little uh irrational.

Now on Tuesday, the final divorce hearing was supposed to take place. A hearing took place, but it was in no way the final one, for reasons I will not disclose, other than my dad is being an asshole to my mother. So hopefully the 'final' hearing will be in February. After waiting all that time, we have to wait, again.

But that is not the reason we're really mad. Now most of you know that I'm pretty sick. I have major back and muscle problems, and all kinds of shit going wrong in my head. My dad does not want to pay child support (he's not forced to of course since I'm 22, but my mom does not make the money to even pay for my medication, let alone unexpected hospital visits) or anything like that. His argument is that since I am on disability, it would cause me to have to go off it or something. Now that could be true, but we don't know yet. We're going to see.

Basically he doesn't want to support me (while he DOES support my brother, who is in school, but still) and thinks my mom can, while he makes more than double what she does in a year. My mom works in the school system. I think everyone knows that those jobs pay SHIT.

Okay back to where this started. My dad texted me yesterday wondering if I wanted to go do something. Now I am mad at him but for the sake of our relationship, I don't want to just ignore him. I don't want to be one of those people who totally shut out a parent like that. I think it is cruel and in the long run I will regret it. I don't think that is what my mom means by what she said, which was basically 'You want to go out and have fun with a man that didn't even treat you like his own daughter? Go live with him if you want, I didn't take care of you for 22 years for nothing.'

The reason I moved out with my mom instead of staying behind is for a couple of reasons. 1, my dad would baby me and I would never get out into the world and I'd stay sheltered forever. 2, it's just kind of weird to live with your dad when you're a girl. Especially since we don't really 'click.' And 3, being the most important, I saw all of this growing up and my mom NEEDS me. If I didn't live with her I would be scared everyday wondering if she is okay. I'm THAT worried about her. But I've been trying to get this into words or actions but it's hard. I have that part of my dad in me- I appear like I don't care. It's something I've been working with my therapist on, but when something goes wrong I just sort of spiral down again.

Anyways I'm not sure if ANYTHING makes sense but I mean, I'm FURIOUS at my dad. And one of the reasons I DO want to see him is to ask him some stuff about the hearing, even if I can probably tell you he'll tell me it's none of my business. But just because of that I do NOT want to cut all ties with him, or anything like that. I definitely have had a different relationship with him for almost a year. I'm sort of stand-offish.

I'm starting to cry again, but I think that is somewhat of a good thing, meaning I'm getting out the things that are bothering me.

I just don't want this to have an impact like that. I want my mom to know I'm angry. I want her to know that I KNOW he fucked us, mostly me over, but if I cut ties with him I am going to hate myself in the long run. If she doesn't want to see him, I will have him not drive all the way to the house so she won't have to see him.

I still don't know if we're going to have to move. Three months is a long time to keep living here. It's a nice house but the rent is too high, I think. But one good thing is the landlord is her boss, so he's sort of lenient and sympathetic to the situation. His wife is not. >__>

I am going to the next hearing. I'll probably be held in contempt, but I don't fucking care. He can't treat my mom or myself this way. I would have never guessed he'd do this to his children. My mom, maybe, since I grew up seeing it, but not us. I was a daddy's girl. He would take a bullet for me. Damn, I'm crying again. Why can't he help pay for my medicine and medical bills? He makes 100k a year. That is without bonuses.

I wanted to take some classes with my friend Monica, but unless my aunt or grandma help out...I don't think I will be able to. I wanted to meet some other people. My last photography class is Nov 6th. I really like the class.

Anyone who has had experience with this...or anyone who hasn't...please give me advice. I'm going to write her a note I think, because it's the easiest way for me to get my thoughts out without making a big fuss but...sometimes she doesn't like that. I don't know.

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I can't honestly say I'd know anything about this situation, so my opinion might be stupid. I think your dad sounds like a dick. Honestly, 100k a year an he won't support you? What in the Hell?! I also think crying it out is a good thing. Whenever I need to cry, I hold it back and it hurts. Physically. I think what you should do is try to remain on "Not Bad" terms with your dad, but try to give him a bit of a guilt trip, too. He freaking deserves it. And I think you deserve better than him.

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That's what I've been trying to do but my mom just thinks that I'm all buddy buddy with him and don't realise that he's REALLY fucking me over.

I'm 22. I understand all this. I'm not retarded. The thing is that he also is a good father (which is really contradicting, I know) but I'm REALLY going to regret it if I don't spend time with him.

Also if I shut him out, I fear that things in the divorce will only go worse (oh, she doesn't want to be with me, maybe I REALLY shouldn't support (when the judge or whoever is going to tell him that he's a fucking idiot to not do anything to help me) her.). I wasn't there for the trial so I don't know everything but still. I've know from the beginning that he's been a dick. He just continues to show it as time goes by.

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How is he a good father if he's not willing to support you when you clearly need it? I'm sorry, I just can't see it. If you were here, I'd hug you.

as in he takes care of me when he's with me, and was a really good father growing up.

this thing about him not wanting to support me just kinda came up. no one in my family or anyone who knows him can believe it.

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Jenna, from a standpoint of my parents being divorced for 21 years, I can understand the pain, I stayed with my mom..and then my dad later on..but this isn't about me..anyways all i can say is to try and put up with it till things fly over, the first months from divorce are hard especially for the childrens viewpoint, in all honesty your dad is being an asshole and not taking care of you, and centering his attention on your brother, but at the same time it seems like he's trying to reach out to you and chat and see how his daughter is doing. I think honestly that you should talk to him and tell him how you feel, I mean it wouldn't hurt to do that, and try not to lose your cool when you do, because who knows it may help in the long run, and jenna, I told ya that if you ever need a shoulder or anything else I will try my best, I'm really sad that your going through this turmoil though.

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i'm wanting to go see him tomorrow but one of the big things is that my mom feels betrayed if i go see him

which is really hard.

i wrote her a letter last night but she broke down again tonight and i really don't know what to do. it's frustrating because i don't know anything from his point of view, like if he's just listening to his lawyer or is really serious about not supporting me.

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I have that part of my dad in me- I appear like I don't care. It's something I've been working with my therapist on, but when something goes wrong I just sort of spiral down again.

Looks like you inherited that quality from your Dad even in the "I love you, but I don't want you" aspect. Your Dad cares for you, but doesn't want to help. You care for him, but don't feel right doing it. I think you should both try to explain your problems to each other.

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If I'm reading this right, your biggest problem is getting your mom, who I'd assume right now thinks your dad taught satan the tricks of the trade, to understand how you can want to spend time on your dad, right?

I don;t know much about the situation, and I'm bad at this type of thing, so i'll go with giving you a hug.

If I had to guess, I'd say your mom is pissed off at your dad, and you can't do much. You can only do what you think is right (spend time with your dad, and it sounds like talk to him about this whole situation, which I'd advise if you think he might be doing this because of his lawyer if that's the case there may not be much you can do for now. His lawyer may or may not be correct, but you may not find out for a while) and try to make things work with your mom.

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If I'm reading this right, your biggest problem is getting your mom, who I'd assume right now thinks your dad taught satan the tricks of the trade, to understand how you can want to spend time on your dad, right?

I don;t know much about the situation, and I'm bad at this type of thing, so i'll go with giving you a hug.

If I had to guess, I'd say your mom is pissed off at your dad, and you can't do much. You can only do what you think is right (spend time with your dad, and it sounds like talk to him about this whole situation, which I'd advise if you think he might be doing this because of his lawyer if that's the case there may not be much you can do for now. His lawyer may or may not be correct, but you may not find out for a while) and try to make things work with your mom.

thats exactly what's going on. i know how she can feel that way but it's REALLY hard to get through to her and for it to just stay...like i left her that note and she seemed ok and all apologetic but broke down again tonight and i'm not sure what to do...

oh and his lawyer is a douche. my father and mother both have known him for about 15 years and he's a KNOWN cheater.

and he's my dad's lawyer. for divorce.

thank you guys i'm going to try and see him tomorrow if i wake up...

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I think you need to sit down with both of your parents.

You need to rationally explain to your mom that your father is your father and you are going to have some sort of relationship with him, but you still love her with all your heart and that is why you chose to live with her instead of him. I'm going to assume you have a mom like mine, so being rational is very difficult with them, but it's the only way to get them to think things through sometimes.

You then need to rationally explain to your father that you need his help in paying for your medical condition. It doesn't have to be legally demanded child support or anything. He just needs to give money for some doctor visits or medication. Otherwise, it's your credit rating he'll screw up because you are over 18, and if he loves you he will help since he does have some money to spare. It's that simple, and has nothing to do with him and your mom's situation.

Good luck Buki. <3 I really hope you get them to stop tearing you apart like they are.

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I think you need to sit down with both of your parents.

You need to rationally explain to your mom that your father is your father and you are going to have some sort of relationship with him, but you still love her with all your heart and that is why you chose to live with her instead of him. I'm going to assume you have a mom like mine, so being rational is very difficult with them, but it's the only way to get them to think things through sometimes.

You then need to rationally explain to your father that you need his help in paying for your medical condition. It doesn't have to be legally demanded child support or anything. He just needs to give money for some doctor visits or medication. Otherwise, it's your credit rating he'll screw up because you are over 18, and if he loves you he will help since he does have some money to spare. It's that simple, and has nothing to do with him and your mom's situation.

Good luck Buki. <3 I really hope you get them to stop tearing you apart like they are.

this

like she said, being rational might not be easy, but the truth of the matter isn't going to change, and they need to understand that.

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i have successfully dealt with my mom, but my dad is harder to deal with. i wrote her a letter and she apologized and said that she acted that way because she had no idea how mean he could be, to me. it was the day of the hearing so anyone who had that experience was bound to be upset.

i will talk more with my therapist on this, but i think the sit down thing will work better with him. she helps me figure out how to approach it. i was with him last night watching the red sox and stuff but i just couldn't get anything to come outo f my mouth.

one thing he did say that bugged me was 'i know you'll never shut me out of your life' which...well is exactly right but the way he said it, it's like he knows he can get away with things.

thx guys

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i have successfully dealt with my mom, but my dad is harder to deal with. i wrote her a letter and she apologized and said that she acted that way because she had no idea how mean he could be, to me. it was the day of the hearing so anyone who had that experience was bound to be upset.

i will talk more with my therapist on this, but i think the sit down thing will work better with him. she helps me figure out how to approach it. i was with him last night watching the red sox and stuff but i just couldn't get anything to come outo f my mouth.

one thing he did say that bugged me was 'i know you'll never shut me out of your life' which...well is exactly right but the way he said it, it's like he knows he can get away with things.

thx guys

good luck, I hope it all works out

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