Stuff Magazines ElectroPlankton Review

[Alundra]

I honestly can't believe that they pay people to write this bullshit:

The skinny:

This is one of those carts that gaming dillweeds—sorry, we meant to say "pundits"—herald as "art." Your mission: to arrange little plankton with cute little smiley faces on them and cute little names like "Rec-Rec" and "Lumiloop" to create musical notes. If you're thinking to yourself, "Man, does that ever sound freaking gay," treat yourself to a small order of onion rings at the nearest Burger King, smart guy. You deserve it!

The cream:

This artsy fartsy game is one of those pieces of code that tries really, really, really hard to challenge the traditional notion of what a game is. And, annoyingly enough, it succeeds.

The crap:

For us, the term "game" usually means: 1. blowing heads off zombies; 2. running over old ladies while driving something called the "death mobile"; 3. eating magic mushrooms that make us grow to twice our normal size. So, by our definition, this really isn't a game at all. What is it then? It's a diversion. It's "something to play with." Thanks, Nintendo, but we already have something to play with that functions quite well as a diversion. Hint: Its name begins with a "p" and ends with an "s." And tonight is its bath night. So we really have to go…

Handy press quote:

"Electroplankton put us into a rubbing frenzy!"

—StuffMagazine.com

You'll like this if you like:

Pretentious bullshit. Playing with tiny, microscopic things. Paying $35 for a game that's suckier than the free games that came with your cellphone

Buy, rent or run away screaming?

Run away screaming, preferably directly into your DS microphone. Seriously, we had more fun rubbing the stylus furiously on our soft, supple, well-scrubbed scrotal sacs than we did playing this so-called "game." Sorry, Nintendo, but we're officially giving this cart a proper seaside burial…in the nearest sewer system.

Proof that Stuff magazine is filled with pretentious, sheltered, homophobic losers. No self-respecting writer uses "gay" as a derogatory term when writing an article, it's just despicable. Two, they used the words "dillweed" and "suckier" in a "professional" review.

They also go ahead and contradict themselves by stating that ElectroPlankton breaks the norm of what a game is, and then get upset because it isn't what they call a game.

This may seem like random topic from me, but it angers me when I put hours of work into my reviews, cultivating them, and this kind of bullshit pays peoples bills.

[Makil]

I think I lost some IQ points reading that review. It's like something a 14 year old on GameFAQs would write.

[Akito]

Eww... Note to self: Never pick up a copy of Stuff Magazine. Maybe I'll just stick to reading GameFAQs reviews from 10 year old kids who had to repeat the 4th grade (again) because they failed english class. At least those are a little better than this garbage.

[Excel]

That was a terrible review, but I do see it's point. Electroplankton really isn't a /game/, per ce, and the fact that you can't save anything basically keeps me from buying the game. I have enough music software my Uncle has sent me that I never use.

And besides, there's far more important things to spend my money on - my store just got in a new copy of Cubivore and a used Rhapsody. Hell yes.

[Siendra]

Huh... I feel like somebody has hit me in the head with a hammer. Whoo...

So, shall we burn their offices RE4 mob style, or just pretend they don't exist and go on turning out hypnotizing musical numbers in Electroplankton?

[Venom112]

This may seem like random topic from me, but it angers me when I put hours of work into my reviews, cultivating them, and this kind of bullshit pays peoples bills.

You think that's bad? Michael Bay and Uwe Boll are still allowed to make movies, and on occasion they make more bank than actual great directors.

[Ceraziefish]

Ow. That was really stupid.

I've never played Electroplankton, but seriously. That is terrible.

[darkon]

I'm not trying to support the review... but... they can't be ALL that bad.

[Ceraziefish]

That hardly makes up for using 'gay' as a derogatory term in an official review.

[Arcane]

That hardly makes up for using 'gay' as a derogatory term in an official review.

Doesn't it, Ceraziefish? Doesn't it?

(That has to be read in the Homer Simpson voice... You know..)

[Hero]

Stuff really is an abomination. They're also infamously inconsistent - for example, recognize the fact that they're against games that don't shoot or tell an interesting story.

Killer7 (despite being a waste of disc space, in my opinion) does fit both those criteria. They called it a "crappy point-and-click adventure." Which is just sort of factually wrong, when you think about it.

[Akito]

Waste of disc space my ass. Killer 7 is awesome.

[Venom112]

Waste of disc space my ass. Killer 7 is awesome.

Maybe he means that Killer 7 wasn't encoded and compressed as well as it could have been, and as such much of the disc was put to waste! Y-Yeah, that's the ticket.

[Siendra]

I enjoyed the first twenty minutes of the game. The rest was crap.

Still, Stuff sucks.

[Kreutz]

blah blah blah look at tits blah blah blah

[Hero]

Killer7, like I said, had a neat story.

Everything else about it was bad.

It would have been a good movie or book.

[Akito]

Well, I liked the aesthetics and the characters, but the story didn't make any sense at all to me. And I guess I'm one of the few people that liked the gameplay. I've always been a fan of simplicity, and I would always give out a sigh of relief when I'd enter a hallway with lots of doors, and then realize that I can't actually explore any of them. Killer 7 kept things simple and straight to the point.

[Siendra]

I enjoyed the gameplay, but after the first area, the level design was so bland and shitty.