"Living in a Dream"

[Samurai Drifter]

[Deleted, as I don't want my story sitting around on the internet indefinitely.]

[No Sad Endings]

Regretfully I have some work to do and some anime to watch before I go to sleep, so I zoomed through this a bit quickly, buuuut... here are my few little suggestions.

Okay, you've got some passive phrasing going on in here - "It was here their journey had led them." Change that to "Their journey had led them here." General guideline is, don't use passive phrasing. Of course, there are rare occasions in which, stylistically speaking, the best way to put something really is passive, but, in general, DON'T DO IT.

"A moment of silence is not enough time to prepare yourself for death" a small voice - missing a comma after death.

In places you're vague. "Somehow" such and such occured. Don't tell me "somehow," tell me what happened, ya lazy bastard xP

Also, give me more sensory information. Tell me how things look, smell, taste, feel. How's the ground feel against his cheek? What does the carnage in the village smell like? What does the rain and blood mixing together taste like?

As for story crit, I don't feel prepared to give any at the moment, I'm too braindead. Ask me again tomorrow.

[Venom112]

“Besides the pouring rain and thunder, there was no sound.”

I find that sentence funny, just because rain and thunder would drown out quite a bit of sound. It’s almost like, “Aside from the deafening sound consuming explosion, there was no sound.” Also, it seems odd that the characters can hear each other whispering, unless they are standing very close to each other, which may be the case, but I digress.

Early on when Kariudo is hacking, you make it sound as if there are two gates involved. If that is the case, alright, otherwise, uh oh. Secondly, it seems suspicious that the mercenaries take so long to notice intruders what with these doors being the entrance to a large compound of sorts and sounding as if they are quite large. On top of that, one would think the mercenaries would assume it was just more mercenaries, but I’ll assume that Mori gave descriptions of the four and they could tell it was them from a distance.

“His personality was that of a stubborn, determined kid, but basically good.”

Show, don’t tell. Old writer mantra.

“Karen ran to him, and held him for a moment.”

Just seems unusual that she can do this amidst all the cutthroats about.

“Kariudo could see tears in Karen's eyes as she killed one man after another. He looked to Kariudo, who was furious.”

One of many places where you interchange Kariudo and Kai.

“Blood flowed, wetting the ground underneath his body.”

Wasn’t it just raining?

“There was only him, and the many still left that thirsted for his blood. Soon almost all of them were dead. Karen was the same.”

This series of sentences claims that Karen is dead, but later events show she is still alive.

” Kariudo looked up from the blood rain to see a man in a suit standing on a high balcony, right above the tower's main entrance. He thought nothing; he merely headed straight for him, knowing this to be...Mori. Into the entrance Kai had pointed out before his death.”

Didn’t Kariudo point out the tower before getting shot down? When was Kai dealt a death blow? And how did Kariudo get to the top of the ramparts before Kai and Karen, considering he is full of bullets and doesn’t seem like much of an athlete?

“Mori smiled coldly, then turned to Kariudo.

’Come.’

In a blind rage, Kai raced towards him. Images flashed through his mind.”

Where did Kai come from?

“Mori had stabbed Kai in the stomach. His eyes opened wide and blood ran from his mouth. But it wasn't the end. Kariudo would keep on fighting, he would stand against his opponent to his last breath.”

Is it some sort of mysterious tag-team battle, or are Kai and Kariudo the same person?

“Senshi coughed, and a trickle of blood ran from the corner of his mouth.”

“His eyes opened wide, and blood flew from his mouth.”

“His eyes opened wide and blood ran from his mouth.”

“Kariudo coughed, and blood once again came from his mouth.”

“Several bloody slashes covered his chest and back, and there was a thin trickle of blood from his mouth.”

Personally, I think you overuse one region where blood constantly shows up, considering the total length of the story. I understand everyone is dying, but still.

“It was in that instant that Kai saw his opening. In one smooth, quick movement he grabbed his sword, raised it upwards and plunged it into Mori's throat.

His enemy blinked in surprise and stumbled backwards. Blood flowed from the wound. But he wasn't finished yet. With the last of his strength Kai drew out the sword and used it to support himself as he stood. Then he drew back the katana and cut Mori's head from his body. It was the final time an enemy's blood would splash his face. Mori's body fell from the balcony.”

Aaaah, a clear example of Hero Endurance…

“He knew he didn't have the strength to make it out of here, nor a home to return to.”

Speaking of which, what did happen to all those mercenaries before and during the fight with Mori?

"Life is a dream from which one awakens to oblivion."

That doesn’t make any sense. One wouldn’t have a basis on which to perceive their reality.

“His brown eyes scanned the area, looking for the right graves. He found them quickly; having been here many times before.The young samurai approched the two markers (they stood side by side) and, kneeling before them, bowed his head.”

Thank you, oh thank you for not saying those graves were those of his parents. Even I think that would be too cliché.

“It wasn't long before he found that there were legions of assassins trying to find this girl whom he'd vowed to protect, and help in her search for her home.”

Why though? Kai may be a samurai, and perhaps lives by the code of the bushido, but working for a street gang as he does, it seems highly unlikely that he would just randomly vow his life to some random person he just met.

“And it was this realization, that the ones who created her would hunt her until they got the power they wanted and then do horrendous things with it”

But Karen wouldn’t help them and only she could use the jewel anyway, so their quest was kind of empty wasn’t it? I suppose they could always use her body as some sort of log for the future, considering Karen destroyed the lab.

“that led them to their final course of action- they would storm the lab and kill anyone who'd ever had anything to do with the experiment.”

But… The lab was destroyed.

“Even though it had been winter when he attacked the tower it was spring, and all the sakura trees were blooming beautifully.”

Wait a tick, it was raining earlier on in the story. I’ll just assume that this futuristic war-torn Japan’s temperature was permenantly raised, thus explaining the rain + winter.

“Flies had begun to crawl across his face, and birds had come down out of the sky to feast on his corpse.”

1. It is (or was?) raining, so I assume flies and birds wouldn’t be in too much of an abundance at that time.

2. According to the end of the story, these images all happen just a moment before death, the bugs and birds would never have a chance to feast.

3. Assuming the bugs and birds had ample time to get to the body, it seems likely they still wouldn’t be there because the mercenaries would be inspecting the scene (to loot and what not, being mercenaries), driving the consumers away.

4. bugs and birds usually feast on a slightly decaying corpse, whereas Kai would have just died, in fact, according to the message of the story, would be almost dead.

“With the last of his energy he turned his head. Karen was lying in a pool of blood, tears in her eyes. She was still alive. With her last breath, she reached out to him. He embraced her as they lay bleeding on the ground.”

1. Karen wouldn’t be there. Mori, Kai, and Karen were all at the top of the tower. Mori fell from the balcony, Kai jumped, but Karen clearly fell on top of the bodies she just killed, so she would still be inside the tower, near the top.

2. Kai wouldn’t be able to turn his head, he snapped his neck. Then again, maybe he could, but he did twist his neck (180 degrees?).

3. He also wouldn’t be able to embrace Karen, as he, once again, snapped his neck.

You also seem to want to display a futuristic world, which explains the hovercars and the translators, but I think the translators are rather arbitrary. They are only mentioned twice and make no impact on the story. Also, considering the lab was likely in Japan, as that’s the country they are all in at the end of the tale. Additionally, we are to assume Mori was responsible for everything, as he is hated by the main characters for unknown reasons. Not to mention the Yakuza are involved. Everything points to Karen having grown up in Japan, so it holds that she would speak Japanese as well, even if her genetic code was that of the American scientist. Then again, it could be that she didn’t learn any language, but that isn’t likely as she wouldn’t be a mindless drone following orders without understanding the language of the one using her, and the translator wouldn’t translate her language as it would only have mindless jabbering to translate.

Overall though, aside from the above mentioned problems (and spelling, just use spellcheck), the story just seems too rushed, which can be easily fixed just by increasing the length. Also, the message/theory should be an aftereffect of the story, not having the story based around it which seems to be the case here, but that could be due, once again, to the shortness of it.

[Samurai Drifter]

Well, most of what you pointed out was very helpful. There were, however, places where you misinterpreted the meaning.

“There was only him, and the many still left that thirsted for his blood. Soon almost all of them were dead. Karen was the same.”

This series of sentences claims that Karen is dead, but later events show she is still alive.

I was talking about the mercenaries she was fighting.

“It was in that instant that Kai saw his opening. In one smooth, quick movement he grabbed his sword, raised it upwards and plunged it into Mori's throat.

His enemy blinked in surprise and stumbled backwards. Blood flowed from the wound. But he wasn't finished yet. With the last of his strength Kai drew out the sword and used it to support himself as he stood. Then he drew back the katana and cut Mori's head from his body. It was the final time an enemy's blood would splash his face. Mori's body fell from the balcony.”

Aaaah, a clear example of Hero Endurance…

I assume that one determined enough would be able to survive being stabbed in the stomach. Not to mention, he *does* die at the end so obviously he expended a great deal of energy.

“He knew he didn't have the strength to make it out of here, nor a home to return to.”

Speaking of which, what did happen to all those mercenaries before and during the fight with Mori?

Karen killed them all before he died. This sentence means that he doesn't even have the strength to walk.

[Samurai Drifter]

"Life is a dream from which one awakens to oblivion."

That doesn’t make any sense. One wouldn’t have a basis on which to perceive their reality.

“It wasn't long before he found that there were legions of assassins trying to find this girl whom he'd vowed to protect, and help in her search for her home.”

Why though? Kai may be a samurai, and perhaps lives by the code of the bushido, but working for a street gang as he does, it seems highly unlikely that he would just randomly vow his life to some random person he just met.

He works for a street gang because he's a masterless ronin, but having found a cause worthy of his skill he devotes himself to that.

“that led them to their final course of action- they would storm the lab and kill anyone who'd ever had anything to do with the experiment.”

But… The lab was destroyed.

There's some length of time between her original creation and the story, so I just assumed it would be understood that the lab was rebuilt.

“Even though it had been winter when he attacked the tower it was spring, and all the sakura trees were blooming beautifully.”

Wait a tick, it was raining earlier on in the story. I’ll just assume that this futuristic war-torn Japan’s temperature was permenantly raised, thus explaining the rain + winter.

It's not like it can't rain during winter. Remember, last week I think it was? There was snow on the ground but it was raining. :ohmy:

[Samurai Drifter]

“Flies had begun to crawl across his face, and birds had come down out of the sky to feast on his corpse.”

1. It is (or was?) raining, so I assume flies and birds wouldn’t be in too much of an abundance at that time.

2. According to the end of the story, these images all happen just a moment before death, the bugs and birds would never have a chance to feast.

3. Assuming the bugs and birds had ample time to get to the body, it seems likely they still wouldn’t be there because the mercenaries would be inspecting the scene (to loot and what not, being mercenaries), driving the consumers away.

4. bugs and birds usually feast on a slightly decaying corpse, whereas Kai would have just died, in fact, according to the message of the story, would be almost dead.

This scene is taking place in his head, so the laws of reality don't really apply.

“With the last of his energy he turned his head. Karen was lying in a pool of blood, tears in her eyes. She was still alive. With her last breath, she reached out to him. He embraced her as they lay bleeding on the ground.”

1. Karen wouldn’t be there. Mori, Kai, and Karen were all at the top of the tower. Mori fell from the balcony, Kai jumped, but Karen clearly fell on top of the bodies she just killed, so she would still be inside the tower, near the top.

2. Kai wouldn’t be able to turn his head, he snapped his neck. Then again, maybe he could, but he did twist his neck (180 degrees?).

3. He also wouldn’t be able to embrace Karen, as he, once again, snapped his neck.

But he didn't snap his neck. That was only his vision.

Heh, I realize I interchange Kariudo and Kai quite a bit. That's because Kariudo was originally the main character, and Kai was the hacker. I switched their names. ^^;;

The other points you make are very good and I will do my best to improve it. (I guess that it could be misinterpreted in the first place is a sign that it needs to be re-written).

[Venom112]

"I was talking about the mercenaries she was fighting."

The sentence just seems like it needs to be clearer.

"There was only Kai and the legions that sought his blood. Soon almost all were slain. Karen too had taken care of her share of foes."

^ That sentence or something similar would make it less confusing.

"I assume that one determined enough would be able to survive being stabbed in the stomach. Not to mention, he *does* die at the end so obviously he expended a great deal of energy."

At least he dies, so that gets you some brownie points. And by that I mean both brownies and points.

"Karen killed them all before he died. This sentence means that he doesn't even have the strength to walk."

Holy snap foolio! If she could kill seemingly infinite supplies of guards, why didn't she just use her awesome psychic powers to create a shield or heal herself? Then again... There was that one sniper in Akira that seemed to do the job well enough to one psychic.

"He works for a street gang because he's a masterless ronin, but having found a cause worthy of his skill he devotes himself to that."

But what made Kai think Karen was so special? Sure, he finds out some interesting stuff out later, but why then?

"There's some length of time between her original creation and the story, so I just assumed it would be understood that the lab was rebuilt."

If that is the case, I think we need some cool psychic battle between Karen and some sham of another psychic. The public demands it! Give Karen a cooler death! Exclamation point!

"It's not like it can't rain during winter. Remember, last week I think it was? There was snow on the ground but it was raining."

Sounds like LSD hippy talk to me.

"This scene is taking place in his head, so the laws of reality don't really apply.

But he didn't snap his neck. That was only his vision."

I thought he was crazily interchanging between his soul, a vision, and reality.

The other points you make are very good and I will do my best to improve it. (I guess that it could be misinterpreted in the first place is a sign that it needs to be re-written).

And always remember, that as a buddy I exist to constantly cut you down and nitpick. :ohmy: