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Accelerated Evolution

My year away from here.


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As you may all remember, I didn't leave AE on the best of terms. I raged and threw a hissy fit and stormed off, never to return but I went through some good and bad since then and came out a bit better for it, I think. After that, nothing much changed for me except that I was becoming more and more pissed off for no reason. It coincided with my unwarranted paranoia and subsequent refusal to drive myself anywhere. I was preoccupied with the notion that everyone on the road wanted to kill me. When I wasn't at work or engaging in my normal but less frequent acts of debauchery (due to the fact that I was starting to piss off everyone else around me) I was sleeping or staring out the window at bugs, trying to remember what I was going to write next.

It went on like this and none of my friends wanted to hang out, so I spent whole weeks, alone, at home. Half of it was because I found a new obsession... pain. I was becoming a pain junkie which really cut into me getting laid as I just went too fucking far. When I didn't have anyone else to inflict pain on, I was doing it to myself like sticking myself with sewing needles or cutting off circulation to parts of my body for extended periods of time. I still have deep bruises on my back from hitting myself with big metal bolts tied to the ends of my flogger. I even jumped off my roof once, which is how I really messed up my knee. I was taken to the hospital by my best friend because of my swollen kneecap and they had me see their psych guy and I've been seeing a therapist ever since. My former girlfriend who I had considered marrying moved to Canada so suddenly with her grandmother. That's all the bad shit.

All the good shit is that I just don't get that angry anymore. I might sound like it but it's all words. I'm not seeking some kind of sensual input and don't hurt myself or others either. I've gotten so much better about dealing with other people and it feels good. I found someone new and even though it's not that strong yet, it good to be back in the game. I've explored more expressive forms of music and am not worried about labels or any of that shit anymore. All I do is lay back and smile. It's pretty cool.

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Well it seems like you got your rage in check and seem a lot less hotheaded, but you went the total hectic way about it..I jus t think that its brutal that you would do that to yourself but who am I to judge you in your actions. I'll admit that honestly like I said in RT is that I can't vent like you and rather keep it inside(which is bad by the way)..but it seems like your headed down the right path and it seems like your friends still care about ya.

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Well it seems like you got your rage in check and seem a lot less hotheaded, but you went the total hectic way about it..I jus t think that its brutal that you would do that to yourself but who am I to judge you in your actions. I'll admit that honestly like I said in RT is that I can't vent like you and rather keep it inside(which is bad by the way)..but it seems like your headed down the right path and it seems like your friends still care about ya.

Well, if I hadn't done something, I imagine I would've tried to kill myself just for the rush.

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Well young man Set! It has been a very long time indeed. Some of us need to learn the hard way & it works! Yes. Glad to see that everything seems to have gotten sorted out with you. Life is sometimes full of hard hits. With age comes wisdom. You're about 24 or so if I remember correctly. You will begin to find yourself doing many other things, listening to many other things, & talking to many different people. These are things that you would have never thought about doing before. When you start opening up to many different things, you suddenly begin to realize that spice is the variety of life. Everything begins to make sense & confusion goes away.

So yeah! Enjoy life. You only live once. OK! \(^o^ ) <3

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  • 2 weeks later...

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