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Accelerated Evolution

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Satan

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Someone really should make that topic. It could be quite interesting. Or it could just be RT's bastard cousin. Either way, this is here not for that but for my stream of consciousness thing about my current state.

I realized something today. I'm not content with who I am. It's not that I'm not happy, it's that I'm not content.

In order to calm myself, I went out and looked from the hill at what can potentially be a very nice view of the city. Back in Buffalo, a view like that would have had an almost sublime effect on me. This one did nothing because I have no emotional connection with Portland. Thus my first defense mechanism/coping mechanism/ way of finding myself failed.

My bike is broken so my usual panacea of biking around randomly is not available

I have no one to whom I can talk. There is one person who I trust to steady me, and she isn't even a terribly close friend of mine (close in the I-just-got-to-college-and-met-you-all-in-September meaning of the word, let alone a truly close friend.) Back home I have people to whom I can talk. In the unlikely even that my brother was not sufficient, I had a number of people whose advice I valued and whom I knew I could trust, and who would be removed from the situation. Here, everyone knows everyone.

While walking I came up with some pithy expressions to describe this situation/feeling, but I didn't concentrate on them and now they are gone.

My romantic life is still non-existent.

I have real work to do and I abandoned it to sit in the common room and watch myself get more depressed. Tomorrow (today, really) I'll be in a world of hurt from this procrastination.

I don't know if my outlook is accurate, or is self-fulfilling prophecy. Either way, I don't know how to change it.

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Someone really should make that topic. It could be quite interesting. Or it could just be RT's bastard cousin. Either way, this is here not for that but for my stream of consciousness thing about my current state.

I realized something today. I'm not content with who I am. It's not that I'm not happy, it's that I'm not content.

In order to calm myself, I went out and looked from the hill at what can potentially be a very nice view of the city. Back in Buffalo, a view like that would have had an almost sublime effect on me. This one did nothing because I have no emotional connection with Portland. Thus my first defense mechanism/coping mechanism/ way of finding myself failed.

My bike is broken so my usual panacea of biking around randomly is not available

I have no one to whom I can talk. There is one person who I trust to steady me, and she isn't even a terribly close friend of mine (close in the I-just-got-to-college-and-met-you-all-in-September meaning of the word, let alone a truly close friend.) Back home I have people to whom I can talk. In the unlikely even that my brother was not sufficient, I had a number of people whose advice I valued and whom I knew I could trust, and who would be removed from the situation. Here, everyone knows everyone.

While walking I came up with some pithy expressions to describe this situation/feeling, but I didn't concentrate on them and now they are gone.

My romantic life is still non-existent.

I have real work to do and I abandoned it to sit in the common room and watch myself get more depressed. Tomorrow (today, really) I'll be in a world of hurt from this procrastination.

I don't know if my outlook is accurate, or is self-fulfilling prophecy. Either way, I don't know how to change it.

I feel really similar to you, man. I'm not sure what the answer is, but when I was reading what you wrote, it really clicked with me. It's how I've felt for awhile now, in college... most of my expectations shattered, I guess. I mean, I like college, I like learning, I also like drinking and going to parties, but... I don't know.

I can't decide if it's really a fundamental problem with the way I approach life, or just a deep seated desire to get laid more. I guess it could be both.

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