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Accelerated Evolution

T'was The Night Before Christmas


Feral Aristocrat

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Twas the night before Christmas, when all through my place

It was 2 in the morning and I was shitfaced.

I had just gotten home after a fuck awesome show

In hopes to get laid and do a little blow.

I put my guitar up on the wall with my sword,

And started makin' out with this hot little whore.

Me in fuck all and her in my jacket,

We proceeded to my bed to make a fuck ton o' racket.

When out on the lawn there was a noise like a "klunk",

So I grabbed my axe to see just what was the fuck.

Out through the glass of the window I threw some clock

Fucked is that bastard! Who's the cockblock?!

I cranked up the Maiden and prepared for a fight

I was going to make this fucker dead like the night.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a goddamn sled and are those fucking deer?!

It was some old fat guy with a beard and red coat,

Maybe it was Satan. I did sacrifice that goat.

He smiled with black teeth and breathed hot flame

He growled like Glen Benton as he called out their names!

"Now Thrasher! now, Smasher! now, Basher and Fiend!

On, Warlock! On, Wizard!, on Lemmy and Blitzkrieg!

Balls to the wall, man! Balls to the the wall!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky. (keeping this... it sounds grim as fuck)

Up to the top the dread beasts marched and flew,

They conquered my roof like Ceausescu.

And then, like the sound of a Harley, I heard on the roof

The stomping and clawing of each devil hoof.

As I drew back my axe, thirsty for blood,

Down the chimney the Thing came with a thud.

He was dressed all in leather, from his head to his hooves,

And his clothes were all torn, studded, and grooved.

A fuck load of bones he had strapped to his back,

Made me wish I were really high on crack.

His eyes-how they bruned! his face so hallow!

And the horned on his head blood red with marrow!

His lashing tongue was coraled by fangs,

I hoped now wasn't the time for him to get hunger pangs.

He blew smoke from his nose and rose from beneath,

And the ring it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a face like a truck and crossed with a mutt

That shook like a barrel loaded with guts!

He was fat and corpulent, like some Elder God

And it would be an understatement to say I felt kinda odd!

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Gave me a deep feeling of sickening dread.

He pulled out a Fender saying, "You've been doing great work"

"Now Keep being metal, you self-centered jerk".

He chanted some spell that nobody knows,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He dashed to his chariot, then howled out a call,

Then flew away as black snow started to fall.

But I heard him cackle, when he drove out of sight,

"Metal Christmas, you fucker!" from out of the night.

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