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Accelerated Evolution

I feel so fucked up


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I haven't gotten a good nights sleep in about a week. Last two days I woke up in the middle of the night and spent a few hours awake before managing to fall asleep again. Five days before that I averaged like 4 hours a night. I generally got 2 or 3, but I slept for 6 once. I'm nervous and annoyed all the time. I've been more depressed than usual. I just took a Big Five personality test thing and my results are very bad. I feel very unhealthy and think about suicide a lot. I doubt I'd actually kill myself but I feel so angry and fucked up that I'm turning in on myself and becoming self-destructive. I'm unmotivated and lazy, and feel like I have nothing spectacular to do or want or anything. I just want to sit around all day and I went to get drunk and high and then fall asleep and never be aware of the world again.

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whoa man. just take a step back.

a week you say? was it finals that had you stressing like crazy? are you anxious about grades and where you might be headed in life right now? more info, please.

i'm sorry your feeling so fucked up right now... but what happened?

and look on the bright side of that test, your at least open to new ideas!

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I've been done with exams since Thursday. I stopped caring about grades a while ago. Part of the self-destructiveness and stagnation I've been feeling, I think. I also have really NOT been enjoying school and now that I'm back home all the problems I have with my family that made me want to leave are resurfacing.

I dunno what happened. Might be school. Might be me chemically deteriorating. I'm actually medicated for clinical depression and it could be getting worse. I dunno.

Took another one of those personality tests on this website called Signal Patterns.

Unsettled

You may be comfortable on your home turf, but you have a tendency to be self-conscious in an unfamiliar environment. While you're usually at ease with your friends, you can be a little skittish around strangers.

You usually don't feel at home in unfamiliar settings or with new people. When you get rattled, you don't necessarily recover instantly.

Inefficient

You like to live your life without plans, and when you do have a plan you're happy to ignore it. While you're not necessarily opposed to getting work done, you're very good at finding other ways to spend your time.

You are not anal, or even particularly well organized. You don't enjoy sticking to your plans, and don't mind when you don't finish on time.

Slapdash

You believe things will turn out fine even if they don't go precisely according to plan. As far as you're concerned, it's not the end of the world if a project falls short of perfection.

You don't feel compelled to dot every "i" and cross every "t."

Distracted

You have a lot going on in your life, which means you don't always get to things when you'd like to. You mean well, but sometimes you lose track of what you're doing, and it can take a while to find your place. The good news is that you can usually summon the will to keep going until the job is done.

You don't always start a job with the utmost enthusiasm, lock in immediately on what's important, do a great job, or finish quickly.

Pessimistic

You tend to be a "glass half-empty" kind of person, which for you is simply a realistic outlook. Your feeling is that this world can be a depressing place, and only a fool would think otherwise.

You do not waste your time searching for the silver lining in every cloud, nor do you believe it's your job to cheer up the people around you with happy talk.

Volatile

You go with the flow when it comes to your emotions. Whether you're happy or sad, you show it, and when something upsets you, or you're feeling stressed out, those around you will know it right away.

You are not necessarily the one person in any group who can be depended on to stay calm, cool, and collected in a crisis; you aren't known for keeping your emotions under wraps.

Passionate

You are in touch with your emotions, and sometimes you react before you think. The good news: you don't tamp down your feelings. The bad news: you sometimes say or do things that you later wish you could take back.

You do not live your life on an even keel; you do not go for long periods without experiencing some mood swings.

Aesthetic

You appreciate art, beauty, and design; you know that they are not superficial but absolutely crucial to living the good life. You have good taste, and you're proud of it.

You don't think it's pretentious to be moved by art and beauty. You're not one of those who believe it doesn't matter what something looks like as long as it does its job.

Those with a high score on the "aesthetic" trait are often employed in literary or artistic professions, enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about the arts, reading, and travel.

Creative

You are good at solving problems, coming up with original ideas, and seeing connections between things, connections that most other people miss.

You do not shun abstractions and concepts in favor of the concrete and tangible.

People with a high score on the "creative" trait often are employed in such fields as finance and scientific research, and enjoy avant garde and classical music as well as literary fiction and scholarly non-fiction.

Original

You are constantly coming up with new ideas. For you, the world as it exists is just a jumping-off place; what's going on inside your mind is often more interesting than what's going on outside.

You don't feel that the road to success is to be a realist and stick to the program; you never stop yourself from coming up with new ideas or telling the world what you're thinking about.

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I haven't gotten a good nights sleep in about a week. Last two days I woke up in the middle of the night and spent a few hours awake before managing to fall asleep again. Five days before that I averaged like 4 hours a night. I generally got 2 or 3, but I slept for 6 once. I'm nervous and annoyed all the time. I've been more depressed than usual. I just took a Big Five personality test thing and my results are very bad. I feel very unhealthy and think about suicide a lot. I doubt I'd actually kill myself but I feel so angry and fucked up that I'm turning in on myself and becoming self-destructive. I'm unmotivated and lazy, and feel like I have nothing spectacular to do or want or anything. I just want to sit around all day and I went to get drunk and high and then fall asleep and never be aware of the world again.

Welcome to the world of Rocksteady in highschool. It gets worse, and once it does, you'll be conditioned to cope better.

however, i hope you develop a taste for beer and chronic, thats the only shit that gets me going (among other things).

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So say fuck it to whatever it is you've been doing and do something else? Worked for me when I was feeling really disorganized, weighed down, and lacking direction. All of which had me really depressed, stressed out, and feeling like I couldn't do anything about it.

I changed schools

Changed my major

Changed my job

Changed my look

Dropped a lot of old hobbies and picked up some new ones

Dropped off with some old friends even

I can't describe to you how much better I feel most of the time now. The vast majority of the time I don't feel stressed out at all, I actually feel like I have a purpose and goal in life again, and I just feel more... I don't know, me like. I think back to a year or two ago and just kinda' go "Why was I ever like that? I don't like people like that."

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I imagined I got drunk. And carved up my face with a razor. Then wrapped my face in gauze. Then took a picture of myself with the bloody gauze wrapped around my face, sitting in a chair, limp. Then broke a load of glass ware and stuff, and windows. And rolled around in the glass. Then stumbled to my car, drove to the hospital and collapsed in the emergency room. Then went insane and attacked a nurse and was put in an asylum.

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I also dreamt that my mom handcuffed my arms behind my back and was planning to split my skull open with a meat cleaver.

umm faulty you know I love ya as a brother man..but you really need to stop beating yourself up like this...and these images your seeing is really disturbing

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