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Accelerated Evolution

The In-Laws


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So, as some of you might know, I am engaged to be married next year to a wonderful girl named Aimee. Our relationship is a perfect example of a healthy and communicative bond that is nothing short of exemplary, considering my past track record. We live together in my apartment and have a pretty nice life, we make good money, live well and never have to skrimp and scrape. There is only one thing in our relationship that kills me:

Her family.

A quick background: A met Aimee through her cousin, who is my boss. I work in a small wholesale business as the store manager with her cousin (Lauren) and her sister (Shannon), and these women drive me up the wall. I have more education than both of them combined in most areas, and yet they choose to drive the business into the ground, stymieing my pay raises. Next, we have the main antagonist: her mother, Linda. Her mother is a bi-polar depressed psychopath at times, and it makes me very, very uncomfortable when I am at her house on occasion. Her mom officially lost it when Aimee moved in with me, throwing hissy fits over the phone, threatening to disown her, ect, ect. Let me remind you that Aimee is 22 years old, she is old enough to make her own decisions as an adult, and Linda is a 58-year old woman acting like she is 12.

Furthermore, her family has a "beach house", the reason for the quotations is this beach house is actually a small home/trailer in a forest community about 5 miles from the beach, which blows. The house is tiny, and can barely fit more than 6 people comfortably in any part, and I have to share the space almost every weekend with her mom, dad, brother and his girlfriend, and she wants to do everything with us. Forget having privacy, going to the bathroom gets a "where are you going?" from her, if we try to go to the beach on our own, apparently her mother and whoever else wants to come invites themselves into my car, and does not offer to pay for gas to cart them around. I will justify that gripe with last summer: everyone wanted to ride in my Wrangler back when gas was $4.25/gal and I got about 10MPG on local roads. At one point I would jump into the Wrangler not even saying a word to anyone and drive off before people tried to tag along.

Now, by now you would say, "Well, why don't you just say something, you pussy?". Well, we did, and the result last year was, well, catastrophic. Her mother went ballistic and said we were trying to tear the family apart by doing things on our own, and that I was taking her child away from her too soon. She then followed up in later occasions by making comments in my presence saying "Well, you shouldn't have left home anyways, you weren't ready for this", and, "You need to come home, you're making a mistake". Keep in mind these comments were make 7 months after she left home.

Nowadays, her 27 year-old brother who still lives at home (that's a whole 'nother story, believe me) always invites us out to dinner with his girlfriend, the doubles as Aimee's best friend. This is great because they are really fun people, the only problem is when they try to leave to come see is, Linda decides she is coming as well. If they try to tell her "no", she will literally throw a fit and start to cry with her "tearing the family apart" argument until they say OK, and she will tag along without our knowledge, until we get the pleasure of seeing her in the back seat. She then proceeds to ruin dinner by being very, very loud and having to be involved in EVERY conversation at the table, and if she feels left out, she will interject just to be a part of it. In my case, I can forget talking shit about my boss, because that's her niece, and I cannot, and I stress cannot speak ill of anyone in her family, or the gates of hell open. Linda has this preconceived notion that if someone is in your family, no matter how stupid, ignorant, racist, masochistic, or violent they are, they have no faults, at all, ever. This shit drives me up the fucking wall, as well as anyone else who actually has an actual valid dissent about someone in their family. If you have something very valid, yet negative, to say (even Aimee, talking about her own family), Linda's response is "THATS YOUR COUSIN/UNCLE/WHATHAVEYOU, SO IT DOESN'T MATTER". It seriously boils my fucking blood every time I hear it.

The point of this thread is that this beach house opens in a few weeks and we are "expected" to be there again, every weekend. Now this wouldn't be a problem if Aimee didn't want to go, annoying mother or not, but she does. For some reason, these people find it logical to drive 100 miles to a 3rd-rate beach, in a low-class living arrangement, just to sit around the community pool all weekend and not even visit the boardwalk, or go to the ocean. I am lost on what to do, when I express my aggravation with the whole thing it turns into an argument and I am asked to "sacrifice" because she wants to spend time with her family.

Ugh.

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Is there a simple solution, like driving her up there, then wandering off on your own? I know it's sort of a risky endeavor, given all the shit they'd likely talk behind your back, but it beats being forced into a situation where you're very uncomfortable.

Or perhaps negotiate so you don't have to go EVERY weekend? Would she be willing to lie for you and say you're sick, so that only she has to go, and you can be left the fuck alone?

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I mean this in all seriousness: Torch the beach house. It's the quickest and most immediate solution to one of your problems. The mother in law? I have no idea what to do about that. My last girlfriends mother told me to my face I was a waste of skin and her daughter was "to good" for me.

Mother in laws are just like that most of the time.

I guess another option is to try and arrange an impromptu trip with your family? You spend all this time with hers, it's only fair that you guys spend some time with yours even if it's a last minute arrangement.

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Oh goodness. Sounds like my mom and Jordan, but surprisingly not as bad as what you said sounds. Hmm.

Well, have you told all this to Aimee? I'm sure she'd be willing to compromise for some weekends.

I don't think that I would like to be in your situation, at all. I get very uncomfortable around people's parents who don't treat me well, and it's the worst when it's your significant other. That's the thing that blows. You can love your partner to death, and they can be completely perfect. And then you meet their family. Gah. Sometimes it's frustrating to think about that aspect, and how you have no choice but to bite your tongue.

Sorry. I hope it all works out for you, Mike.

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Tangent: I really hate like... "family values." That sounds kinda weird but I've met people like this Linda before -- people who are totally into their family and can't comprehend that they're related to someone who's a douchebag. It really bothers me because it feels like the people are denying reality (not to mention being really immature). More of a tangent: My friends and I sort of have an in joke that all women named Linda are insane. This happened after a conversation where it came up that like half of us (including our token lesbian) had an insane ex-girlfriend named Linda.

But that sounds shitty. Boo on the lame beach, too. That sounds idiotic. I'd have no idea how to solve the situation -- I'd probably deal with it by getting so pissed off that I'd get really honest to a fault and then really fuck everything up. Hope you can clear it up better than that. It sounds like part of the problem is that you're trying to deal with Linda like a rational adult and she isn't ready to think of you as an adult, precisely (you're like 24, right? It sounds kinda like she might think you're too young to really be an adult, sorta like what she's projecting onto Aimee -- which is of course idiotic).

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First off i am not agreeing with you and i am not defending the mom. I think you are whining a little bit but a good chunk is merrited.The beach house is obviously a family tradition, fond memories etc. Chances are you should try and understand that. I am sure there are memories that are fond to you, places special etc. If you dont want to go , say fuck that i am not going. You have been doing things her way and you want a little "you" appreciation. The mom i can see why you hate her, but like ashton said , thats 90% of moms dude. If you dont want her to tag along tell the brother to say that he isnt going out and say that you dont want the mom there. As for the mom thinking nothing is wrong with her family? thats loyalty, it may be over the top, but it is admirable, its good to know that there is at least someone that never thinks bad of you (if your in her family). Adapt and weather the storm, or else your not gonna make it, this is the rest of your life.

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Adapt and weather the storm, or else your not gonna make it, this is the rest of your life.

That's some pretty solid advice.

I guess the overwhelming point is that, like Devon said, this is the rest of your life. If you don't try and solve it or compromise now, you never will, and it will only turn into an issue of resentment in the end.

But it's tough, for sure. Family issues are very tough.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Like previous posters said before me..its best that you try and cope with the family and if not.. then you gotta get the hell outta dodge and start your married life somewhere else, I figure Aimee would understand since it makes you miserable being around them.. but seriously man... don't get fucking miserable even before you tie the knot..and believe it or not....when you do get married you will see less of the family anyway.( ME THINKS)

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Totally unrelated, but are you still the only board member who is involved in legally wedlock?

Wonder how long that will last? :unsure:

yup

Dude.. don't get me started..we had our arguments and everything even before I got married.. and we started out as friends..so we pretty much know things about each other..and well thats jus some info

DIDN'T mean to hijack your thread Mike...

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  • 4 weeks later...

A little update, shall we?

So we went down for the frist time this season about a week ago, and what can I say? It was boring as fuck. You see, the Jersey shore in April is, well, pointless. The boardwalk on every beach on the entire coast is still closed, most seasonal spots do not open until Memorial Day, the ocean is way too cold to even get in for any amount of time, and the beach itself is usually a windy mess. On our way down initially, we call ahead to see what's going on and it turns out that everyone had left together to go eat without us because they didn't want to wait, so we were stuck without food. I turned the car around and headed to Wendy's since there is only one food joint in a 10 mile radius.

Great start to the weekend, I had already had a blowout with my boss over her disrespecting me constantly and I told her sister to "blow me" via text when she sent some texts to me saying that I screwed up things that had nothing to do with me. I was not a happy camper.

The following day, the Phillies and the Flyers were playing, and if there is one thing you must know about this family, (barring Aimee) it is that they are so about Philly that you want to shove your fist in their faces and grind it into a pulp. They use Philly jargon that makes sense to no one else but them, and make fun of those (me) who don't understand it. So, of course, instead of doing anything, everybody decides to spend the entire Saturday watching pre-game shows, and their subsequent games. These people seriously drive to a camp site/trailer park 100 miles away from home just to watch sports games on the weekend, the situation just reeks of retardation.

So I decide that me and Aimee are going to the mall so I can get shorts since I had none, and the humidity down there is jungle-like. Of course, her mom pops up and says she's coming, and of course I cannot object lest I incur the wrath of a depressed 50-something overbearing she-beast.

When we return, everyone wants to watch a wedding DVD from some wedding that happened 26 years ago on the only TV with a cable connection and DVD player, although I had brought Zack And Miri Make A Porno with me to kill some time, I was trapped watching a video that was an hour and a half of bad dancing, mullets, and low-class receptions. I called it a day after that.

The final day, I find out in the morning as I'm packing to get the fuck out of there as soon as possible, that her mother needs a ride back to Philly because she "just remembered" (lie) she had to babysit on Monday so we had to wait until 7PM when she wanted to leave. I almost snapped. Not only is driving her home 45 minutes out of the way on an almost 2 hour drive home, but that places me home at around 10PM, and I had work at 4AM. I didn't stop packing and said I was leaving, whether she liked it or not.

After realizing how serious I was about leaving, she magically found another ride courtesy of Lauren, who lives 5 minutes away from her, who I am also sure was her initial ride home to begin with before she found out we were leaving early due to the fact that we were bored out of our minds.

There is more to this, but I am already in tl;dr status here and just wanted to vent.

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  • 1 month later...

Simple solution: Mother's not ready to let the birds fly from the nest, this was thoroughly enforced by the older sibling still living at home. She's afraid of being left alone, while she may genuinely think her daughter is making a mistake, she has realized that these weekends are the only way she can spend time with her daughter.

You're going to have to talk with her. Not at her. Not to her. And don't do it at these weekends at the trailer. Actually go over to her house on a week day night, both you and your (soon to be) wife. Address the whole issue of her being afraid that her daughter is leaving. Say that you do need your space, but that you do enjoy spending time together. (even if you obviously don't, because you're going to be related to her for the rest of her life.) Shes going to get defensive, and angry, people don't like to be confronted like this, but it has to be done. Make sure the fiance talk to her as well, otherwise she'll just think it's you and that you're a bad match for her daughter.

She's just afraid, you have to be willing to tell her that you're not going to take her away and she'll never see you two again. Its going to suck, but does it suck more then whats going on now?

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  • 3 months later...

I know this might be out of subject, but you have a beautiful writing. Reminds me of a author, really..

Anyway, as for your problem, I'd agree with Cleese, but then again, I don't think it would really not help.

You said her mom was kind of a psycho, well if you do that, she might take it badly ; and say again that you are not worthy of her daughter and act even more psycho than right now and etc.

What I think is, it's your girlfriend that you should talk to about that matter.

You can understand that she wants to spend time with her family, but do you have to do all of this?

I am not saying that she's wrong or whatsoever, but I think that you can't solve the problem,

she's the one who has to tell her mother that she is old enough now and blablabla.

I think you should talk to her about this. Because as I can see, it seems to get out of hands.

But then again, you can't really do something in my opinion.. I might be wrong though!

I don't have those problems..

Anyway good luck! And I truly hope everything goes back to normal for you.

Rosie

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