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The Masterplan

It's not fair god dammit

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I'm just going to come right out with it; Everything I'm about to say is going to sound immature and childish because it is, but I just don't care anymore. I need to piss and moan about it somewhere and what better place than this?

I just feel like no matter fucking what, awesome shit happens to fucking undeserving bastards around me every fucking day for reasons I can't even fathom. Uninspired chuckle-heads are getting great jobs while people who actually deserve them are waiting in line at the unemployment office, complete and utter braying jackasses are getting world-class girls that they should consider themselves lucky to even know let alone be with and take it for absolute granted and the most miserable cunts in the universe seem to get shit handed to them on a silver plate and I'm god damn sick of it. I'm sucking sick to death of it. It's all I can do to just start ripping my fucking hair out sometimes. Are these specific examples? Absolutely. Am I gonna go super in-depth? We'll see what happens. I'm just steam of consciousness-ing this thing.

Normally I try not to let it bug me. Normally I tell myself that it's just how the world works and that decent people like myself, a lot of people here and many others I know personally who have nothing will eventually get what they rightfully deserve even if it seems as though it's never going to come. But if I had to be real honest with myself I could say I've come to a point where if something doesn't happen soon I won't be able to continue to convince myself that it's true and I just won't have the courage to put my God damn feet on the ground tomorrow morning. I've never felt so selfish in all of my life but beyond that I've never cared less.

For the longest time I remember the shoe being on the other foot. I had a ton of awesome shit going for me and all my friends who were in the hole looking for something to keep them walking a little longer before they collapsed under the weight of the unknowing would look to me for it. But I worked hard for everything I had and I shared with anyone I could in any way I could. I had the answer every fucking time and now that the tide has turned I've got nothing to tell myself anymore. I don't even fucking know.

The things that are taking place...it's nothing new. It's always been there - I just felt like I could handle it because I knew somehow that everything balanced out in the end but Jesus Christ I don't think I believe myself when I say it does anymore. The shit I used to tell people...it was good shit and I believed it when I said it then but looking back if I was being told that same shit I'd shrug it off so fast you couldn't even blink before it hit the fucking ground.

I saw a good many things in the last few days that triggered this new madness. I saw a picture of my ex with her new boyfriend. I thought I was over that shit but if it pisses me off I guess I never did. My thought as callous as it may seem is that "I know her. I know what she's like. She doesn't deserve to be happy. She doesn't deserve to be with anyone. She deserves to be alone where she can be left with herself to see how much she changed for the worse." I see my ever changing career paths and that no matter how many connections I establish I never seem to move forward. I stay in the same fucking distance and move sideways. When I turn and see people I know who are fucking worthless dolts getting excellent fucking salary ESPECIALLY considering the state of the economy and their skill set if it can so be called. Not for lack of trying. No, certainly not. I work harder than most people I know and then they have the gull to get upset with me because I can't go out and party just so I can make my fucking bills. I'm sorry to inconvenience you guys, but I have to be an adult. I don't understand how anyone within a 3 year cushion of my age, front or back, could even have the time or disposable income to live that way or have the time to do that shit. I need to do that shit if I want to stay sane cause I really think I'm losing my fucking mind this time. These people just get smashed in the face with opportunity and either waste it or don't appreciate it for shit and it makes me want to fucking throw them off an overpass because I don't believe them to be worth the ground they're standing on sometimes.

So when is my time to rise again? Why did all of a sudden a year ago everything just plummet to the fucking ground and become so pessimistic to where I can't even laugh at myself anymore? How much more shit and muck do I have to slop around in before I can start climbing my way back up and have all the things I feel that I have deserved as virtue of working for them again? I've known the feeling - it's the height of euphoria to truly understand what it is to work your ass off for everything you have and in turn for those things to be directly proportional in quality for how hard you've worked for them. But not any more.

And I know that there are many of you, many people you may know, many people I myself know who are in the exact same fucking spot. Probably even worse off. The easy answer is to say that this is how things are and you have to accept it. I can't accept that. If I accept that then there's no reason for me to ever try to excel beyond anyone else in any aspect of my life or anything I do for the rest of my God given days. To accept that would be to surrender to the every day mediocrity of the every day and I don't think I could live my life doing that because you're not living a life you're walking a path. And walking that path leads from nowhere and goes to nowhere.

What do you do when you have nothing left to go on? Truly nothing. No thoughts, no people who you can talk to who you feel like really understand it 100%, no perspective and a jaded sense of reason that won't let you try to conjure up more of the same nonsense you've been sustaining off of for as long as you can remember? The first time where you ever genuinely concerned for your own mental health?

I don't know what else to write here. I reiterate. Everything I've said in these paragraphs is vain, conceited, childish and immature. I just wish I cared enough to say that meant something to me. That it meant something for me to understand that and still post this and not care that people are going to tell me to suck it up or whatever the fuck else. Normally that would stop me. Not anymore. There's no longer a reason not to do something for me anymore I guess. I just hope that by posting this, someone will say something; anything really that would give me just a spark to ignite that sense of purpose again. Or at very least that someone might read this and feel like they're not alone.

Thanks for reading if you did.

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Dude, its life. Plain and simple. Some things we control, some we dont and its sad. Its sad that the world is like it is right now, its sad that morons get good jobs and alot of good people dont. I worked hard for my money in high school , i had 2 jobs so i could buy a car. Meanwhile many of my friends got their cars given to them when they passed their driver's test. My one buddy for example got a Ford F-150 that was only 3 years old. I had a fucking 1990 suzuki swift that went through oil like a seive. When i went to Europe, i had to put away a 1000 bucks a month when i was only making 1080 a month just to go. Meanwhile my buddy his parents just gave him 6000 dollars to travel asia for 3 months. As for women, i also dont know what to tell you. A sad truth is douchebags get the genuinely good hearted and good looking women. Its about as constant as what goes up must come down. I know i pretty much have said the same thing. But.... you are not alone.

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With a post so self-aware of itself, it's kind of hard to respond with anything of real use. But you're right about it being unfair. So it goes. It's okay to spoil yourself from time to time. And you can do it without becoming someone whom you loathe. Try to take some time to just flake* and chill.

*Semi-ongoing joke from skype chat. Which may help if you need to unwind a bit.

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And you can do it without becoming someone whom you loathe.

This part sort of sank in when I was at work the other night. I made a lot of realizations that should have been made long ago and now that I understand and accept them, I'm just really not a big fan of myself right now.

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I know the feeling of self loathing. Of not being satisfied with who you are. Like you should be better in so many regards. But much like the 6 million dollar man, we also posses the technology. We can rebuild.

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I know the feeling of self loathing. Of not being satisfied with who you are. Like you should be better in so many regards. But much like the 6 million dollar man, we also posses the technology. We can rebuild.

It's more about like being disappointed by the fact that long running denial and years of ego-inflating comments made me think I was someone who I've recently found I'm just not. I have a lot of standards, morals and preconceived notions regarding a lot of things, but when I took a hard look at myself there are a lot of things that don't match or add up. I'd add more but I have to head to class. I'll edit it later tonight.

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That whole original post is pretty much the same with me. Even up to the ex girlfriend with a new boyfriend part. The worst part about it, at least for me, is how fucking negative you start to act and see things in life. There's not really much I can say that hasn't already been said, but at least try and find strength in that there are others out there riding with you on the same wave. I think it's times like these where you really just have to enjoy the little things you have and find ways to escape even if it's just for five minutes.

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It's more about like being disappointed by the fact that long running denial and years of ego-inflating comments made me think I was someone who I've recently found I'm just not. I have a lot of standards, morals and preconceived notions regarding a lot of things, but when I took a hard look at myself there are a lot of things that don't match or add up. I'd add more but I have to head to class. I'll edit it later tonight.

I know this feeling. In the last few months I've been feeling a lot more like an adult -- for no real specific reason, but I've just been reevaluating a lot of my conceptions and the reasons behind them. Amateur self-psychoanalysis, I guess. Examining why I think the way they do.

One thing I will say about myself, even though I deal with my own share of self-loathing. I live for myself. I don't slide into place and get stuck in society. I do my own thing, for lack of a better term, and I'm a pretty strange guy (lately I've really been realizing the, uh, depths of how weird I am compared to other people).

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Thanks for all of the empathy. It does feel good to know I'm not alone here. Lately I've been having all these epiphanies that are really kind of waking me up to a sort of transformation I need to make in myself. I've been in contact with an old teacher of mine who has really been helping me see what actually an issue and what's simply an overkill manifestation of negativity. I also found that that feeling I got wasn't anger it was actually guilt. All of a sudden I started going back over in my head a lot of old memories and I saw how I actually fucked up a lot of stuff and now that I see that, even though it sucked to know just how far in denial I was that only now like almost a year later I see what I really did and how that really fucked everything up it - it felt shitty but now that I've come to terms with it and apologized I feel a lot better and much "lighter"? I guess is a good word. I don't know.

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WAIT UNTIL YOU KNOW THE HALF OF IT!

Thats when it really starts to suck. really though, it gets worse.

Side note: for your own sanity, I recommend you get the fuck out of Michigan.

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